Find your Match
Take your Best Shot
• A Favorite
• Personal Preference
• What you Identify with the Most
• (or possibly) Object to the Least
Tally your Points!
Win a prize for your favorite gal or…
Ring the Bell!
…and dump her.
(prizes not included)
Plus a Bonus Round!
Failing to measure up?
It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
(Just kidding – yes, it is.)
Try our Bonus Round for an immediate boost
to your bottom line.
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With a #2 Pencil
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on screen but notice that they
don’t scroll when you do,
switch to a permanent marker.
100% Satisfaction Guaranteed
(…unless you’re a democrat.)
Round 1: Queens
• Steve McQueen
• Dairy Queen
• Queen Latifah
• Dancing Queen by ABBA
10 pts for CGI-free Mustang bustin’ Bullitt (or The Getaway, The Magnificent Seven,
The Great Escape… .)
6 pts for an M&M’s Blizzard®. (Feasting on your Blizzard® while immersed in a
Steve McQueen Film Fest… add 3 more.)
4 pts for the death of disco (though not entirely their fault).
1 pt for the chick Equalizer. (No pts, if you don’t understand why.)
Round 2: Nineteens
10 pts: …because shooting twice is just silly.
6 pts: Well, no wonder you need 15 rounds (and two backup mags). Knock off two more for toting your puny rounds in a plastic BLOCK.
4 pts for smoking dope at Woodstock. Double up for moon walking with Neil.
0 pts: The We Hate America Project.
Round 3: Bill of No Rights
• (It was an…) ♪ Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini ♬
10 pts: Free men do not ask permission. Or forgiveness.
7 pts …just for singing along.
4 pts: All men are equal. Some are more equal than others. (Welcome to the farm, animals.)
2 pts: Why there ain’t no white Skittles™
Round 4: Alphabet Soup
10 pts: Get Turned On! ‘66 Pontiac 389 Six Pack (not that European weenie mobile).
8 pts for charcoal briquettes. (Should be an easy 10, but y’know… really depends on what’s aflame. 5 pts for propane. Nothing for veggie anything.)
4 pts: Ties were invented by women to make men look goofy.
1 pt for flying the Crayola flag.
Round 5: The Real Deal
• Martin Luther King
• King James
• James Taylor
• Taylor Swift
10 pts: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐳𝐞𝐝 𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 (lose 8 pts for Lebron)
7 pts for the dream. For dreaming about toppling statues…. lose 6½.
5 pts: ♪ “Ohhh, Ah’ve seen fire and Ah’ve seen rain…” ♬
2 pts: How many tweets does it take to get to the angry center of a
country girl gone pop?
Round 6: Man! (…Friday)
• Black Friday
• Good Friday
• His Girl Friday
10 pts: …and a better day on Sunday.
8 pts: “Walter, you’re wonderful, in a loathsome sort of way.”
5 pts: Thank goodness, it’s the weekend! (Minus 4 pts for taking His name in vain.)
2 pts: Full-contact, roller-derby shopping. (No pts for skipping out on dessert to gobble up early bird midnight specials.)
Round 7: Cats n’ Hats
10 pts: ♬ …long tails and ears for hats. ♪ Bonus pts for an original LP with
(soon to be Angel) Cheryl Ladd on the skins.
9 pts: Choosing life (8 pts: Choosing education and vaccines.) And for noticing some twit driving all alone in her bubble mobile wearing an obedience mask… priceless.
2 pts: Hands off my pussy!
½ pt: Personally we prefer Major Nelson’s “Master”.
Round 8: Suff’ring Suffrage
• Almost the XXVIIth
• Should be the XXVIIIth
• Prohibition Repealed
• Vote for Gracie
10 pts: Down With Common Sense! If the country’s going Gracie, so can you!
9 pts: 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐍𝐨 𝐑𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐎𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝.
4 pts: The 21st Amendment (…or the 19th Amendment driving men to drink.)
2 pts: The defunct ERA. (7 pts for thinkin’ it had something to do with baseball.)
Round 9: Take Me out of the Ballgame
• Stars and Stripes
• Balls and Strikes
• Black and White
• “Who took my clothes off?”
10 pts: Brother Greenwood’s 𝐆𝐨𝐝 𝐁𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐔𝐒𝐀. Lose 7 pts for the gender-cleansing rewrite.
8 pts: “I did. We flipped a coin and I won.” Rio Lobo 1970
3 pts: Pampered millionaires whining about white oppression and the evils of capitalism.
0 pts: Critical Race Theory. 7 pts for Gunsmoke or any uncolorized 60’s sitcom.
Round 10: Hooters
• 36 – 24 – 32
• 53/4 – 33/4 – 51/4
• 108 – 60 – 96 (aggregate)
• 28 – 28 – 28
10 pts: Miss Swimsuit’s locker combination
8 pts: Any three Townsend Angels. Lose 5 pts with any of those babeless remakes.
6 pts: Bombshell Barbie. Plus 3 pts for pissing-off flat-chested feminists.
1 pt: Pajama Boy’s flannel onesie
Bonus Round: Men at Work
• Mike Rowe
• Todd Rundgren
• Mr. Mom
10 pts: “I’ve been punched many a time… but never for hirin’ anyone.”
8 pts: “Get ready to get dirty.”
4 pts: “Yeah, 220… 221… whatever it takes.”
3 pts: ♪ “…I just want to bang on the drum all day.” ♬
Pour into a five gallon home-improvement bucket (the white food-safe kind not the orange ones) your milk of choice… coconut, goat, magnesia.
Everyone knows the fish are missing, everyone knows why the fish are missing, but no one is allowed to ask what happened to the fish.