Occasional Customer: Wow! A lot has changed since… well, to be honest, I haven’t been here since I was a kid.
And back then Kids Were King.
I’m glad to see your service has been restyled to keep up the changing times.
You’ll notice many changes. To begin with… the language of the original menu was scrapped in favor of a more inclusive version.
Y’know, just being here… startin’ to feel filled with the Spirit of the King.
And how you feel is… like, way more important than nutrition.
Hey! What happened to those four guys, who used to hang around here? You know the ones… they’re gone!
Well, not gone gone. Just their toxic masculinity: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are now Margaret, Meg, Linda, and Joan.
Just as well. They were way too into all that red meat stuff.
We understand how you feel. That’s why we now offer 100% beef-less “Miracle” burgers, Surf n’ Turf, and char-broiled turkey with tofu.
Let me try the 𝐋𝐨𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐅𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐬 platter.
Sure! What kind of God would you like? We have…
𝐆𝐨𝐝 𝐢𝐬 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞
𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐌𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐖𝐡𝐨 𝐀𝐫𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧, and of course…
𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐎𝐮𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞
Anything without all that fire and brimstone.
…and with that, you have your choice of Messiahs: John Smith, Muhammad, Dak Prescott… .
Hold the Jesus.
Order Taker tapping on console: No Jesus. I’ll substitute… Obama.
Commandments on the side?
Of course. How many would you like?
Can you run through them?
My pleasure! You’ve got your choice of:
𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐍𝐨 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐨𝐝𝐬 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐞
𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐨 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠
𝐇𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐲 𝐅𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, 𝐭𝐡𝐲 𝐅𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫’𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝…
Customer interrupting: Uhhm, on second thought, 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐭 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐬… give me gas.
Customer’s entitled kids (in unison)… We want Happy Holiday Meals! We want Happy Holiday Meals!
Okay, settle down, kids.
Aren’t they cute.
We have three all-new Happy Holiday Meals to choose from.
One of each, please.
Okay. The Non-traditional Combo Kit comes with Santa, the Grinch, and Frosty the Snow Person.
Youngest entitled kid: I want the Baby in the manger!
Oh, I’m sorry. We’re all out.
Order taker whispering to customer… The Infant served in a feeding trough was deemed unsanitary by the Board of Health. (Loudly to kid) But I can throw in some barking dogs.
With the Prime Time TV Special, you have your choice of Rudolph, the Winter Warlock, Charlie in the Box, and of course, Kevin.
Hold the Claymation. (whispers) I still get nightmares.
Finally, in Rainbow Delight, we have Mary, Mary’s migrant wife, and their adopted non-binary child, Xavier.
What do you have for that Holiday which coincides with Spring Break?
We’ve got all the classics like Easter Parade, The Old Rugged Cross… .
Uhh, no. I’ll take the bunny, please.
Cadbury or Playboy?
Whichever’s covered in chocolate.
Order Taker pointing: Over at the 𝐌𝐲 𝐂𝐮𝐩 𝐑𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐡 𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫 beverage dispenser, we have endless refills of sugary, bubbly, and highly caffeinated watery substances.
All of which, I hope, are as unhealthy as they are unsatisfying.
Entitled kids: Supersize!
Customer looking around: Where did all the pews go?
They’ve been removed in favor of more secluded… err, private corral seating. This way you won’t be bothered by other worshipers. And notice…
…all the communion settings now hold pepper, salt substitute, and artificial sweeteners.
And every booth has its own jukebox!
…for a more personalized worship experience. Hymns include:
𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐆𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐀𝐫𝐭!
𝐎𝐡, 𝐋𝐨𝐫𝐝, 𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐇𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞, and my personal favorite…
𝐃𝐫𝐨𝐩-𝐤𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐦𝐞, 𝐉𝐞𝐬𝐮𝐬 (𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐆𝐨𝐚𝐥 𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞)
Customer singing with Order Taker: “…I’ve got the will, Lord, if you’ve got the toe.”
(Littlest kid whispers to Customer, who then asks…) Can you point me to your bathrooms?
Well, we only have the one.
It is quite large and has many seats.
What about, y’know… privacy?
We are all one in the spirit.
Customer to littlest Kid: Just think of everyone as your brothers.
Will there be anything else?
Can I get all that t’go? I’m not really comfortable around all this religious stuff.
Order taker signals the kitchen choir: Of course, you can!
Deep Fat Fryer, Window Clerk, and Burger Flipper singing with Order Taker…
♪ Hold the Father, hold the Spirit!
And of course, you don’t need Jesus!
All you ask is that you get religion your way!
Have it your way, have it your way… ! ♬
Customer: ♪ Biddiley a nu ba ba be bee! ♬
The Cry of the Rocks
Truth can be ignored but cannot be made untrue. Truth just is, even if held by just one. One plus God.
Let’s Eat Grandma
Hold up on that blue haired buffet, we need a quick powwow with the shoot eating panda.