US CITIZENSHIP EDITION
Becoming a US citizen is an important decision and should be more than just getting more right than wrong on an some civics exam. It should require a fundamental understanding of the founding of this country, the tapestry of our history, and what makes her special.
Like, for instance…
- Who won the Civil War, and by how much?
- How many Congressmen will fit in a phone booth?
- Can you name more Presidents than Kardashians?
In other words… Are you smarter than a Fifth Grader?
I am your host, Jeff Foxworthy.
Our returning contestant has already answered seven subjects correctly and is only three away from the million dollar question. Please welcome back, Alex!
Alex was fished out of the Rio Grande by the Border Patrol. He later escaped, and found sanctuary on the streets of San Francisco. But was accidentally picked up by ICE agents, when out looking for a snow cone.
Alex must now pass our US Citizenship Quiz, or be deported back to… whatever God-forsaken place he’s from.
[Alex mumbling, as he crosses himself.]
Jeff: The good news is you still have all your cheats. And a classmate.
[Cute Fifth Grader waves to the audience]
Alex: No! No!
Jeff: Okay, then. Three subjects remain.
Alex: Cuarto Grado Inglés Gramática.
Jeff: Well, if that means: Fourth Grade English Grammar, then here’s your question:
The Second Amendment to the US Constitution reads: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” The language of the Second Amendment seems to guarantee... a. a pre-existing right. b. the arming of the National Guard. c. a privilege issued at the discretion of the State. d. the right to arm bears.
Alex (confused): Copiar.
Jeff: Uhhh, okay. You want to lock that in? Right or wrong, her answer is now your answer. So, let’s see which answer she chose. Alex, take a look at the board.
a. a pre-existing right.
Jeff: You are correct!
Alex (demonstratively relieved): whew!
Jeff: The Founders recognized the existence of rights pre-dating the Constitution. The Bill of Rights was written to codify those natural or God-given rights into law.
[Cute Fifth Grader scampers off the stage.]
[Alex pats Bright Ten Year Old on the head.]
Jeff: Pick a subject.
Alex: Quinto Grado Geografía
Jeff: Fifth Grade Geography?
Jeff (mumbling to himself): What the heck, I had a fifty-fifty chance. (Aloud) Here’s your question:
Located in New York Harbor, this national landmark was a gift from France to celebrate the Centennial of the United States. a. The Statue of Liberty. b. The Monument to Immigration. c. The Brooklyn Bridge d. The Eiffel Tower.
Alex (slamming the desk): Esto es facil.
Jeff: You were kinda quick to pull the trigger there.
Alex: La respuesta es b.
Jeff: Well, the bad news is… the answer is not b. The correct answer is:
a. The Statue of Liberty.
[Alex’s desk glows red]
Jeff: But the goods news is: You’re still in the game if… this ten year old, next to you, has the correct answer.
[Silence falls on the audience, as suspenseful music builds]
Jeff: For the “Save” and a chance to stay in the game and, uhm, the country…
Bright Ten Year Old: The Statue of Liberty!
[Appreciative audience applause]
Jeff: That’s right, Alex. The Statue is named: Liberty Enlightening the World. Lady Liberty welcomes immigrants, but she is actually a monument to Freedom. She was a gift from France to celebrate America’s Independence. At her feet are the broken chains of slavery, and on her tablet is the inscription: July IV MDCCLXXVI, which is July 4 1776.
Alex: Pero el poema … .
Jeff: The poem by Emma Lazarus: The New Colossus, is a plaque mounted in the Statue’s base, and was added later – in 1903.
[Bright Ten Year Old hustles back to her desk, fist-bumping Intelligent Classmate, who takes her place.]
Jeff: Only one subject remains before the million dollar question. So, for five-hundred thousand dollars, here’s your question in Fifth Grade US History:
The Judiciary was considered by the Founding Fathers to be the weakest branch of government. But at times, the Supreme Court assumes too much power by ruling where no law exists. A concept called this: a. Judicial Activism b. Original Intent c. Habeas Corpus d. Law & Order
Jeff (to Intelligent Classmate): What did he say?
Intelligent Classmate: I think he wants to peek at my answer.
Jeff: Now remember, you can go with his answer, if you want. Or you can still use one of the others. So, for half a million dollars… !
Intelligent Classmate: Judicial Activism.
Jeff: What do you think, Alex?
[Alex falls silent.]
Jeff: I will tell you this (wandering through the class)… all his classmates have the same answer.
Alex (gestures toward Intelligent Classmate): Me gusta que ella responda.
Jeff: Aw’right then. Let’s look at the board. For half a million dollars, the correct answer is….
a. Judicial Activism
[Confused audience applauds.]
Jeff: Judicial Activism was responsible for the infamous Dred Scot and Roe v. Wade decisions. One of many problems with Judicial Activism is that there is no simple remedy to bad court decisions. One way is for the Court to overrule itself, which is extremely rare.
[Intelligent Classmate wanders back to his desk.]
Jeff (after a long dramatic pause): Well, here we are.
[Studio lights dim. A spot shines down on Alex.]
Jeff: You’re on your own now. No cheats. No classmates. I’m not gonna ask if you want to go on – you’ve come too far.
Jeff: For one million dollars and US Citizenship, here’s your final question:
Because the United States is not a democracy, and is a union of pre-existing states, the election of the US President is officially completed through what? a. The Electoral College b. Parliament c. A popular vote d. Gallup poll
Jeff: What are y’thinking?
[Alex shrugs then stabs his hand into his pocket and pulls out a coin. Then without hesitation, flips it high, snatches it out of thin air, and slaps it onto the back of his hand. Jeff shakes his head in disbelief]
Alex (confidently): a.
Jeff (puzzled): Now, uh… wait a minute. I mean, if your answer is a. then so be it. But, you have four possible choices. What if the correct answer is c. or d.?
[Alex, looking as if he doesn’t understand, pretends to flip the coin.]
Jeff (nodding): You’d flip the coin again.
Jeff: Y’know what? You might be a redneck.
Jeff (breathing a sigh): Ooooh-okie-dokey. Let’s look at the board. On the flip of a coin, the correct answer is…
a. The Electoral College
[Alex jumps up and down. The studio audience riots.]
Jeff: Congratulations! You are now (taking a deep breath)… a citizen of the United States!
Alex: …and I won a million dollars!
Jeff (slightly amused): So, now you speak English.
Alex (shrugs): Why speak English if I don’t have to?
Jeff: Point taken. So, uhhhm… no.
Alex: I didn’t win?
Jeff: (excitedly) Oh, yes! You most certainly did win! But not a million dollars.
Jeff: Now you owe a million dollars.
Jeff: Not only are you a legal citizen, you are also now a legal taxpayer. And your taxes help pay for all those services used by migrants living in this country illegally. Your income for the foreseeable future will be confiscated by the IRS and used to cover: Education, healthcare, welfare… and so on.
Alex: Wait! No, I changed my mind! I don’t wanna be an American!
Jeff: Ha-haaa! It’s too late!
Jeff: Go ahead, Alex. You know what you gotta do.
Alex: My name is Alex, and I am not smarter than a Fifth Grader.
♪ Are you smarter than a fifth grader?
Grab a pencil and a piece of paper.
Teacher teacher now we’re back in school,
so are you smart enough for the fifth grade? ♬
Jeopardy! Millennial Edition
That’s right. No beer pong tourneys. No wet T-shirt contests. And no naked runs on the quad. Well, that we know of.
Flintstones of Bedrock, USA
The whole purpose of language is communication. Something we’re not doing. Oh, sure… everyone’s talking. But no one’s listening.