Good evening! I’m your host Regis Philbin. Please, join me in welcoming back, Miss Snowflake!
[Raucous audience applause]
Miss Snowflake: Aren’t you the host of the Bachelor in something?
Regis: Uhm, no.
Miss Snowflake: Sorry. Maybe you jus’ look like him.
Regis: I regret to inform you that you still have $100’000, and you have no lifelines.
Miss Snowflake: I can’t believe I made it this far. And I tried so hard.
Regis: Now we get into the big money questions, so… take a deep breath. And let’s play: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Audience (in unison): Nobody!
Regis: This is your $250’000 question:
Margaret Thatcher once noted: “The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of...” a. Other people’s money. b. Illegal immigrants to vote democrat. c. Fruity wine coolers and pot-laced brownies. d. Who said there’s a problem?
Miss Snowflake: Well, I know that the plight of the undocumented is, like… in the news and stuff, so, that’s one possibility. Whoever this Margaret is, she could really like them wine coolers, y’know?
Regis: I can tell you this: Three of those answers are wrong.
Miss Snowflake: I’m just not sure. The only thing I’m certain of is…. well, we all know you just cannot run out of other people’s money, so: a. final answer.
Regis: No, I’m sorry. That’s totally correct.
Miss Snowflake (hyperventilating): Oh, no. This can’t be happening.
Regis: Now just try to relax. Remember, the odds are still against you – at some point, you’re going to mess up. So, keep going! And let’s play: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Regis: For $500’000, here’s your question:
It isn’t that socialism hasn’t had a chance to succeed, it has been tried everywhere and has failed every time except... a. Venezuela. b. Cuba. c. Plymouth Colony. d. No, wait. It has failed everywhere every time.
Miss Snowflake: Okay, this one’s tricky. Let me think this through – out loud, of course. We were taught in school that Cuba and Venezuela are shining examples of socialism. And everyone knows that the pilgrims were republicans. So, those are all perfectly good answers.
Regis: Take your time. There’s no rush.
Miss Snowflake: The only wrong answer I see up there is… d.
Regis (hesitantly): Is that your final?
Miss Snowflake: Yeah, final answer.
Regis: I’m sorry, d. is correct. Socialism has failed everywhere every time including… .
Miss Snowflake: Don’t tell me.
Regis: In order to secure funding for their voyage to the New World, the Plymouth colonists were required to practice a form of socialism called: The Common Course and Condition.
Miss Snowflake: All those years I spent in the Fifth grade, not one of my teachers mentioned any of this. Not once!
Regis: Moving right along. We’re almost to the end. Cheer up – there’s still a chance of you losing it all and going home with absolutely nothing. But we have no choice – we have to keep playing: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Audience (loudly): Nobody!
Miss Snowflake (muttering): Why me?
Regis: Here is your $1’000’000 question:
Socialism can never honestly succeed because it is based on a dishonest act: Stealing, with the help of the law, what cannot be stolen without the law. Otherwise known as... a. legalized theft. b. legalized marijuana. c. legalized gay marriage. d. borrowing a library book to prop up a wobbly table and forgetting to take it back.
Miss Snowflake: This is the big one.
Regis: Yes, it is. So, take your time and work it through. What are you thinking?
Miss Snowflake: I’m not really.
Regis: Well, that should help.
Miss Snowflake: So, like… no one ever expects you to ever return a library book and, y’know, what are they gonna do about it.
Miss Snowflake: …and gay marriage and marijuana should have always been legal, so they can’t have ever been illegal.
Miss Snowflake: But I feel, like… you can’t make something right just because you made it legal. There’s no such thing as stealing legally. That has to be… it must be the wrong answer, so that’s my choice: a. legalized theft.
Regis: Are you sure?
Miss Snowflake (deep breath): Yes, I’m sure. Final answer.
[Silence falls over the audience.]
Regis: I have some bad news for you.
Miss Snowflake: NOooooooo…!
Regis: You just won a million dollars!
[Confetti flies. The crowd riots.]
Miss Snowflake: You mean you’re going to make me go home with a million dollars?
Regis: No, of course not!
Miss Snowflake: Oh, thank goodness! For a moment there, I thought I really was a millionaire.
Regis: No way! We wouldn’t do that to you.
Miss Snowflake: Whew!
Regis: First of all, you have to pay the 90% Ocasio-Cortez tax.
Miss Snowflake: Terrific! And that cuts it in half, right?
Regis: …leaving a hundred thousand dollars. Then we have to deduct state taxes, local taxes, sales tax, tea tax, carpet tax… .
Miss Snowflake (smiling): So, I lost?
Regis: Almost. But that still leaves you with about ten-thousand dollars.
Miss Snowflake (relieved): Sounds a lot better, though.
Regis: …which, must be divided equally among the studio audience. Your share is roughly $40.
Miss Snowflake: So, I broke even.
Regis: Sort of.
Miss Snowflake: Of course, I have no money for food, rent or cannabis, but that’s what my EBT card is for. I love socialism.
Regis (to the audience): Oh, by the way… if anyone parked in the studio lot, all gas-powered vehicles were impounded by the Green Police.
Miss Snowflake: My mommy’s car got towed?
Regis: Well, actually… seized. All owners were issued a Zero Emissions fine… probably more than what you won here tonight.
Miss Snowflake (excitedly): So, I really did lose!
Regis: Oh yeah, you’re all losers.
Audience: Hooray! We’re not millionaires!
Regis: That’s all the time we have for tonight. Join us next week for: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Pink Pussy Hat Edition.
Well, you drop to zero – what a shame. But before you go, we have a lovely Civil War statue outside for you to topple.
Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?
Aw’right then. Let’s look at the board. For half a million dollars, the correct answer is….