Self-Evident Truth

The Declaration of Independence

When, sometime after school (an undefined occurrence in history), it becomes necessary for whoever is marching with us today (a uniquely identifiable culture) to loot and pillage (dissolve the political bands), which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the powers white privileged of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to trending hashtags (public opinion) requires that they should interrupt and shout down (make known) the causes which impel [See Note] them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal @#$%&-ing jerks!, that they the rest of us are endowed by Oprah (a Higher Authority) with free stuff (inherent natural entitlements), that among these are Wi-Fi access (something valued), a living wage (something treasured), and free iPhones (something desired).

That, to secure these rights, woke mobs (organized public bodies) are instituted among gender non-specific earthlings (mankind in general) deriving their just powers from ourselves (the people). That, whenever any form of government right wing republican becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of everyone else (everyone) to topple statues (enact change) and to incite mob rule (form new government), laying its foundation on whatever we feel like (specific ideals), and by defunding the police (defining its powers) in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

We have forbidden…
We have plundered…
We have abolished…
blah, blah, blah… .

We, therefore, like judges on American Idol (national body of decision makers), appealing to Alex Trebek (a Final Authority) for the rectitude [See Note] of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of Native Americans, and other indigenous creatures (original settlers), solemnly post on Facebook (publicly announce), that these former European slave trading outposts (British settlements) are, and of right ought to be free and independent states totally dissolved.

And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of network news (Deity), we mutually pledge to each other our online profiles (existence), our EBT cards and hash stash (fortunes), and our sacred honor [See Note].

Note: Words not found in free online Urban Destruction Dictionary. Possible suggestions include:
Impel: Self-evident truth
Rectitude: Anal attitude
Sacred Honor: Patriotic character flaw

Flintstones of Bedrock, USA
The whole purpose of language is communication. Something we’re not doing. Oh, sure… everyone’s talking. But no one’s listening.

Who Ya Gonna Call?
Women should demand men be men. And they could help by letting men wear their own pants. And fire helmets. And proton blasters.