Jeopardy!

This is Jeopardy! with your host, Alex Trebek!

Thank you, Johnny. And welcome back, everyone. We are nearing the end of an exciting tournament with our three college contestants.

We are down to our final category: United States Government.

You control the board, Pajama Boy.

Stop yelling at me!

My apologies.

Four hundred, please, Mister Alex.

Here’s your clue:

What are keg parties and panty raids?

Uhhh, I’m sorry, no. Anyone else? Señor Wall Climber?

No hablo Inglés.

Care to weigh in, Miss Pink…

DEATH TO THE PATRIARCHY!

…Pussyhat.

HANDS OFF MY OVARIES!

students. The Electoral College has no students. Because… The Electoral College is not a college.

So, like… no White Men Are Evil or America Sucks studies?

That’s right. No beer pong tourneys. No wet T-shirt contests. And no naked runs on the quad. Well, that we know of.

Your attempt at humor offends me.

Thank you. Pick again, Pajama.

Eight hundred, Alex.

Answer…

That’s easy. What is a democracy?

No, I’m sorry.

When you say “form”, do you mean, like… shape or color?

You are a … uhmm… college student, aren’t you?

That’s right, Alex! For the past 17 years!

The United States is a Constitutional Federated Representative Republic. Not a democracy.

So, we don’t get a vote?

You do vote.

…but it doesn’t count, I bet.

You need to understand, the Founders feared the tyranny of the majority as much as they feared the self-indulgent whims of a monarchy. So, they created a buffer between the will of the people and what was in best interest of the people: The Electoral College.

By “Founders”, you mean those white homophobic European racists, who slaughtered Indigenous people and denied women control over their bodies?

Moving right along, pick again.

Twelve hundred, Alex.

What is single payer health insurance?

No. The answer is…

Diversity Police!

…President.

Must’ve sucked to go to school on President’s day when there was none.

You have no idea.

Sixteen hundred, please.

What are white bigots clinging to their Bibles and guns?

Uh, no. …coastal population centers.

I get points ‘cause my answer was better, right?

To simply get the most votes, all any campaign would need are the East and West coasts: Washington DC to New York City and Sacramento to San Diego.

What else is there?

…the rest of the country. The Electoral College may seem a bit clunky at times and may not have operated even as our fore-fathers desired, but it preserved the states. To become President, a candidate must win entire states. It is possible to win the popular vote and still lose the election. Most recently… Trump vs. Clinton in 2016.

I voted for Hillary… a lot!

And now the last clue:

Who is RuPaul?

Oh, you were so close. The correct response is: Who is Ross Perot?

He’s a drag queen, too?

Because a candidate has to win entire states, the Electoral College has protected us from a myriad of third-party fringe candidates. They can run, but their chances of winning are slim to none. The Electoral College has given us a de facto two-party system. Heh! One party on Saturday night and the other on Sunday.

[crickets]

My instincts tell me not to bother, but we’ll dive into Final Jeopardy with this topic: Current Events. Good luck, contestants.

Thirty seconds.

[Jeopardy music plays softly]

We come first to Mister Wall Climber..

No hablo Inglés, señor.

¿Y cuántos pesos apostaste?

Todas

Entonces te irás sin nada.

¡Trump apesta!

Now, onto Miss Pink Pussyhat.

RELIGIOUS RIGHT WING ZEALOTS EAT #$%@&!

Well, you drop to zero – what a shame. But before you go, we have a lovely Civil War statue outside for you to topple.

*&^%$# YOU!

Well, Mr. Pajama, you had a very impressive negative dollar amount… how did you respond?

This was easy – it’s us.

“What are Snowflakes?” That is, uhh… surprisingly correct.

So, I won?

Well, you had no money.

So, I won!

Yeah, that’s right. You won.

Sweet. What do I get?

We have a lovely participation ribbon for you.

Nice! I’ll put it with the rest.

Fortunately, that’s all the time we have for tonight. Join us tomorrow for: Jeopardy! Gender Confused Ten Year Olds.


Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?
Oh, yes! You most certainly did win! But not a million dollars. Now you owe a million dollars.

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
But we have no choice – we have to keep playing: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (Audience loudly): Nobody!