Right Turn from the Left Lane

…and the Zombie Apocalypse

Your heart skips a beat as you gently ease into the seat.

The thunderous exhaust note is exhilarating. With a prod of the throttle, the frame wrenching four-inch stroke warps the front end.

Lift off the clutch, and there is no discernible movement forward until, with a latent smile of satisfaction, you feel your backside drift sideways. Bending the nose into the billows of churning smoke, the chunky over-sized rears finally melt into the sizzling asphalt, catapulting you… back.

…back in time. Back to when roads were open, love was free, and summer nights lasted forever.

There are two kinds of men in this world: Those who own a big block and those whose wives won’t let them.

Oh sure… a small block would have produced more than enough oomph to rip the feather weight from the pavement’s grip on reality. But as everyone knows… there is no substitute for cubic inches (except more cubic inches).

And somehow some mad scientist crammed the fiberglass shell with 454 freakin’ cubes of… Turbo? we don’t need no stinkin’ turbo. That’s nearly 7½ liters for you European weenies (or 22 stale beers).

Back in the day the Stingray roamed where it pleased, caressing like a gentleman the gorgeous curves of countryside. Respected by many, possessed by few, and challenged only by local wildlife: Goats, Mustangs, and the errant Road Runner. Leaving all with a newfound sense of humility and a mouthful of dust.

No navigational aids
No interactive displays
No cameras and no catalytic converters

Not that modern incarnations are to be contested lightly. But enhanced technology meant to guide and protect, in reality, only insulates – removing the driver from the road.

Too bad the entire line got RIP’d with the C7 after GM’s midwives C-section’d the C8 and birthed a Corvair.

Sadly the landscape has changed. Today the highways are clogged with blob-like disposable transports (of foreign alpha-numeric designations) driven by mindless zombies. The most menacing of which are Moms in Minivans.

And that one-time leggy blonde with whom you chased the dawn? She is now a pink pussyhat screaming at her fatherless twins in the rearview.

And as fate would have it one dreary day, just as the voice-enabled command console helplessly erupts in bells and whistles, her lane-departing, auto-steering, pre-emptive braking, sorta autonomous family van flies PMS-ing through a stop sign.

…and in a series of cartoonish sound effects, mom, the minivan, and all the mini zombies tumble through a neighbor’s white picket fence encased in an array of emergency flotation devices – completely unharmed, of course (the crumb-crunchers’ in-car entertainment system never losing wi-fi connectivity).

But in an spectacular display of fiberglass fireworks, your beautifully sculpted Stingray disintegrates around you; leaving you butt-scootin’ along the black top with a gear shift in one hand, fuzzy dice in the other, and the tape-eating 8 track cryin’ “Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie… .”

Daily Drive 9 to 5: ★
Gettin’ Outta Dodge: ★★★★★
Zombie Survival: (not likely)

More from the Zombie Apocalypse:

The Love Bug
On the journey to enlightenment, the classic Beetle was the transport of truth for hippies (and circus clowns).

The Mighty Dodge
Even worse, with just a dusting of snow, those muscular Mopars are reduced to whiny liberals.

^{Genesis 22:7} And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb? ⁸ And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb.

^{Isaiah 53:3} He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. ⁴ Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. ⁵ He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

^{John 1:22} Who art thou? ²³ I am the voice of one crying in the wilderness, Make straight the way of the Lord. ²⁹ The next day John seeth Jesus coming unto him, and saith, Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world.

^{John 10:9} I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. ^{John 10:1} He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber. ^{John 10:10} The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. ¹¹ I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

^{Isaiah 53:6} All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

^{Luke 24:7} The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.

^{Matthew 27:11} And [Pilate] asked him: Art thou the King of the Jews? And Jesus said unto him, Thou sayest. ³¹ and led him away to crucify him.

^{Luke 23:33} And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him. ^{Mark 15:27} And with him they crucify two thieves; the one on his right hand, and the other on his left. ²⁸ And the scripture was fulfilled, which saith… ^{Isaiah 53:12} He was numbered with the transgressors.

^{Luke 23:34} Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.

^{Luke 23:39} And one of the malefactors which were hanged railed on him, saying, If thou be Christ, save thyself and us. ⁴⁰ But the other rebuked him, saying, Dost not thou fear God, seeing thou art in the same condemnation? ⁴¹ And we indeed justly; for we receive the due reward of our deeds: but this man hath done nothing amiss. ⁴² And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom. ⁴³ And Jesus said unto him, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. ^{Romans 5:8}

^{John 3:16} For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. ¹⁷ For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

^{John 20:1} The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulcher, and seeth the stone taken away. ¹⁵ Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away. ¹⁶ Jesus saith unto her, Mary.

^{John 14:6} I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. ²⁷ Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

The Cry of the Rocks
Truth can be ignored but cannot be made untrue. Truth just is, even if held by just one. One plus God.