Mmm-Mmm… Bacon


“A well-balanced breakfast being necessary to the start of a good day, the right of the people to cook and eat bacon shall not be infringed.”

…and not just that crispy, applewood smoked stuff. But also Canadian bacon, “Impossible” bacon, and, yes… even (Aaack!) turkey bacon.

So, why should it matter if it’s microwave’d, skillet fried, or grilled outside? To whom does the right belong? not to… “A well-balanced breakfast” or “…a good day”. The right belongs to the people.

So, it goes without saying… being able to purchase and tote about town is also implicit in the right. The State cannot acknowledge the right and then limit availability to only “Low Sodium”.

Nor can the State deny the right.

Go back a read the it again: The Amendment guarantees a pre-existing right. Because natural or God-given rights predate human government. That is to say, if the Amendment were removed, the right would still exist.

Because though it’s about bacon, it’s not just about bacon. It’s about soda straws, and Big Gulps ™, and pancakes topped with whipped cream and blueberries.

It’s about freedom.

Juice one lime. Sure, bottled juice may produce the same result, but dips are all about preparation. Consumption by guys who lick pork rind bags.

Blue Plate Special
A taste of Americana: The Blue Plate Special was satisfying, nutritious, and for two bits… affordable.

Self-Evident Truth

The Declaration of Independence
Millennial Mad Lib Edition

When, sometime before lunch (an undefined occurrence in history), it becomes necessary for whoever is marching with us today (a uniquely identifiable culture) to loot and pillage (dissolve the political bands), which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the powers white privileged of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to trending hashtags (public opinion) requires that they should interrupt and shout down (make known) the causes which [impel] See Note them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal all men are @#$%&-ing jerks! that they are endowed by Oprah (a Higher Authority) with free stuff (inherent natural entitlements), that among these are Wi-Fi access (something valued), a living wage (something treasured), and free iPhones (something desired).

That, to secure these rights, woke mobs (organized public bodies) are instituted among gender non-specific earthlings (mankind in general) deriving their just powers from ourselves (the people). That, whenever any form of government white republican becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of everyone else (everyone) to topple statues (enact change) and to incite mob rule (form new government), laying its foundation on whatever we feel like (specific ideals), by defunding the police (and defining its powers) in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

We have forbidden…
We have plundered…
We have abolished…
blah, blah, blah… .

We, therefore, the judges on American Idol (national body of decision makers), appealing to Alex Trebek (a Final Authority) for the [rectitude] See Note of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of Native Americans, and other indigenous creatures (original settlers), solemnly post on Facebook (publicly announce), that these former European slave trading outposts (British settlements) are, and of right ought to be free and independent states totally dissolved.

And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of network news (Deity), we mutually pledge to each other our online profiles (existence), our EBT cards and hash stash (fortunes), and our [sacred honor] See Note.

Note: Words not found in free online Urban Destruction Dictionary. Possible suggestions include:
Impel: Self-evident truth
Rectitude: An anal attitude
Sacred Honor: Patriotic character flaw

On the Fourth of July
But corruptible absolute power ended with “When in the course of human events… .”

Flintstones of Bedrock, USA
The whole purpose of language is communication. Something we’re not doing. Oh, sure… everyone’s talking. But no one’s listening.