Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

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MILLENNIAL SNOWFLAKE EDITION

Good evening! I’m your host Regis Philbin. Please, join me in welcoming back, Miss Snowflake!

[Raucous audience applause]

Miss Snowflake: Weren’t you the host of the Bachelor In… something?

Regis: Uhm, no.

Miss Snowflake: Sorry. Maybe you jus’ look like him.

Regis: Here’s where you stand: You still have $100,000 but you have no lifelines.

Miss Snowflake: I can’t believe I made it this far. And I tried so hard.

Regis: Now we get into the big money questions, so… take a deep breath. And let’s play: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Audience (in unison): Nobody!

Regis: This is your $250,000 question:


Miss Snowflake: Well, I know that the plight of the undocumented is, like… in the news and stuff, so, that’s one possibility. And whoever this Margaret lady is, she might really like them wine coolers, y’know?

Regis: I can tell you this: Three of those answers are wrong.

Miss Snowflake: I’m just not sure. The only thing I’m certain of is…. well, we all know you just cannot run out of other people’s money, so… A. final answer.

Regis: No, I’m sorry. That answer is totally correct.

Miss Snowflake (hyperventilating): Oh, no. This can’t be happening.

Regis: Now just try to relax. Remember, the odds are still against you – at some point, you’re going to mess up. So, keep going! And let’s play: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Audience: Nobody!

Regis: For $500,000… here’s your question:


Miss Snowflake: Okay, this one’s tricky. Let me think this through – out loud, of course. We were taught in school that Cuba and Venezuela are shining examples of socialism. And everyone knows that the pilgrims were republicans. So, those are all perfectly good answers.

Regis: Take your time. There’s no rush.

Miss Snowflake: The only wrong answer I see up there is… D.

Regis (hesitantly): Is that your final?

Miss Snowflake: Yeah, final answer.

Regis: I’m sorry, D. is correct. Socialism has failed everywhere every time including… .

Miss Snowflake: No, don’t tell me… .

Regis: In order to secure funding for their voyage to the New World, the Plymouth colonists were required to practice a form of socialism called: The Common Course and Condition.

Miss Snowflake: And all them years I spent in the Fifth grade, not one of my teachers mentioned any of this. Not once!

Regis: Moving right along. We’re almost to the end. Cheer up – there’s still a chance of you losing it all and going home with absolutely nothing. But since we have no choice, we have to keep playing: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Audience (loudly): Nobody!

Miss Snowflake (muttering): Why me?

Regis: Here is your $1,000,000 question:


Miss Snowflake: This is the big one.

Regis: Yes, it is. So, take your time and talk it through. What are you thinking?

Miss Snowflake: I’m not really.

Regis: Well, that should help.

Miss Snowflake: So, like… no one ever expects you to ever return a library book and, y’know, what are they gonna do about it.

Regis: Uh-huh.

Miss Snowflake: …and gay marriage and marijuana should have always been legal, so how could they ‘ave ever been illegal. Right?

Regis: Uhmmm.

Miss Snowflake: But I feel, like… you can’t make something wrong right just because you made it legal. There’s no such thing as stealing legally. That has to be… I mean, it must be the wrong answer, so that’s my choice: A. Legalized theft.

Regis: Are you sure?

Miss Snowflake (deep breath): Yes, I’m sure. Final answer.

[Silence falls over the audience.]

Regis: I have some bad news for you.

Miss Snowflake: NOooooooo…!

Regis: You just won a million dollars!

[Confetti flies. The crowd riots.]

Miss Snowflake: You mean you’re going to make me go home with a million dollars?

Regis: No, of course not!

Miss Snowflake: Oh, thank goodness! For a moment there, I thought I really was a millionaire.

Regis: No way. We wouldn’t do that to you.

Miss Snowflake: Whew!

Regis: First of all, you have to pay the 90% Ocasio-Cortez tax.

Miss Snowflake: That’s great! So, it’s like… cut in half, right?

Regis: …leaving a hundred thousand dollars. Then we have to deduct state taxes, local taxes, sales tax, tea tax, carpet tax… .

Miss Snowflake (smiling): So, I lost?

Regis: Almost. You’re still left with about ten-thousand dollars.

Miss Snowflake (relieved): Sounds a lot better, though.

Regis: …which must be divided equally among the studio audience. Your share is roughly $40.

Miss Snowflake: So, I broke even.

Regis: Sort of.

Miss Snowflake: Of course, I’m still without money for food, rent, or cannabis, but that’s what my EBT card is for. I just love socialism.

Regis (to the audience): Oh, by the way… if anyone parked in the studio lot, all gas-powered vehicles were impounded by the Green Police.

Miss Snowflake: My mommy’s car got towed?

Regis: Well, actually… seized. All owners were issued a Zero Emissions fine… probably more than what you won here tonight.

Miss Snowflake (excitedly): So, I really did lose!

Regis: Oh yeah, you’re all losers.

Audience: Hooray! We’re not millionaires!

Regis: That’s all the time we have for tonight. Join us next week for: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Pink Pussy Hat Edition.

Jeopardy!
Well, you drop to zero – what a shame. But before you go, we have a lovely Civil War statue outside for you to topple.

Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?
Aw’right then. Let’s look at the board. For half a million dollars, the correct answer is….

R is for Redskins

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Not for rose. But what’s in a name?

A shadow vaults a fortress wall then steals silently through a forbidden grove to the castle of his enemy. On a moonlit balcony unaware, a fair maiden appears. She speaks:

“O Melvin, Melvin, wherefore art thou Melvin?”  Melvin & Juliet – Scene 2 Act 2

Of course, Shakespearean purists will be quick to critique: Juliet wasn’t asking where Melvin was but why he was.

Melvin.

…which he wasn’t.

To thine own self be true but his one true love hated his name though not him, or so she claimed. So, was it any wonder that her romantic misplay “Refuse thy name!” ended in tragedy.

What’s in a name? Would an overall’d farm lad straw hat and cap gun, sneak into a Saturday matinee double-play featuring Marion Morrison in Soggy Oatmeal followed by Not Jane Russell and the Rather Harmless Man?

That’ll be the day, pilgrim.

If a rose were an elephant, would you really want a dozen? What if they were Redskins? or what if Moses supposes his toes were roses… ♬

Opinions ain’t a Hollywwood musical. In a free society, All the world’s a stage and offending someone is inevitable, maybe necessary. The First Amendment not only protects free speech but guarantees unpopular speech, which begs the question…

Amendment XXVIII: What Right doth Thou have to be Offended?

Constitutional arsonists defiantly deny the downright declarations inked in the Bill of Rights, insisting on silly stuff like… you can’t yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater. But what if there is a fire in the theater? or worse, what if there are…

“Redskins!”

Or what if you just need some devious diversion to rescue other hapless husbands from an evening worse than shakesperean death (…which might be preferable once they’re all discovered down at Mel’s Grill & Ale with a wench in one hand and a pint in the other.)

But with a charred wonderbra in one hand and a nutcracker in the other, society’s Juliets set out to cancel everything that offends them – everything that is not them:

Columbus day
Chik-Fil-A
The Dukes of Hazzard

And without the consent of the fans of Major League Baseball, the Cleveland (no longer the…) Injuns now suit up as dreaded Guardians – door-t’door insurance salesmen striking fear in the hearts of harried housewives everywhere.

What a bunch of pussies we’ve become.

But blinded by their own contempt, the unhinged pink pussyhat brigade failed to also censor the home of the franchise formerly known as the Redskins (a name which is actually older than the team itself) which honors the original white male himself – the one and only redskin-fighting Father of our Nation.

Guess now they’ll hafta move.

The Cowboys will be next – soon to be rebranded as The Beta Male Livestock Managers, followed by the Tampa Bay Semi-Aquatic Wealth Redistributors.

Approved rules package for the new NFL season:

• No tackling without permission
• Quarterbacks will be uniformed in pastel pleated mini-skirts
• Half of winning score differentials credited to each losing un-winning team

…resulting in – you guessed it (and fractions).

The woke League ought to grow a pair and recoin all their teams according to the fantasy protocols found in backroom bars and poolhalls. Something like…

Flaming Rat Breath Snot Nosed Puss Picking Belly-Button Lint Lickers.

…or the new Jets. (Oh, c’mon – this is football: Wear a helmet!)

If changing your name doesn’t change your identity but you change your identity anyway, maybe you should just go ahead and change your name: The National Hm-hmm League – yet another Shakesperean tragedy.

Yeah… the truth hurts.
The truth nobody wants to hear is hate.

But names don’t hate. Hate is not a logo, a monument, or a flag painted on an orange car. Hate is heart issue – yours. You are what you see in others. And when everything you see is hate, hate is everything you see.

So there can be no Redskins, no Dilbert, no Blazing Saddles – not until the closed fist is replaced by an open heart…

The Golden Rule
a few Beatitudes
and Love thy Neighbor

The ground is level at the foot of the cross.

Juliet may have been right about one thing: The Redskins by any other name will still be smelly.

X is for Christmas
If your neighbors accused you of being a Jesus freak, would there be enough evidence in your seasonal display to convict?

Dear Diary
Day 1: Hello, I must be going! I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going… ♬