I’m That Kind of Girl ♬

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Round 1: Miss Saturday Matinee

• Ann-Margret
• Susan Hayward
• Raquel Welch
• Angie Dickenson

10 pts: Fathom 1967 “I’m a girl who likes to be surrounded by men. Lots of men.” 8½ pts: One Million Years BC 1966
9 pts: The Train Robbers 1973 “I might change my mind. I’m a woman.”
5 pts: Garden of Evil 1954 “You’re nothing at all. Just nothing.”
2 pts: Big Bad Mama 1974 [edited for content] “Get your hand off my…”

Round 2: Man in Demand

• Casablanca 1942
• Tootsie! 1982
• Father Goose 1964
• Live Free or Die Hard 2007

10 pts: “You’re a Timex watch in a digital age.”
8 pts: “Maybe if you stopped straightening pictures and let men wear their own pants, they’d be able to touch you without asking permesso!”
3 pts: “I stick my neck out for nobody”  7 pts for Bogie in anything but Casablanca.
½ pt: “I was a better man with you as a woman than I ever was with a woman as a man.”

Round 3: Hobby Lobby

• Painting
• Dancing
• Cycling
• Crocheting

10 pts: …like nobody’s watching and singing like Kathy Mattea. 2 pts: …naked in the moon-lit clearing around a lurid bonfire of wonderbras.
8 pts: …a pedal powered two wheeler for fun an’ fitness. (No pts for an ungreen e-bike.) 9 pts: …single stack’d ACP through a lightweight commander.
7 pts: …comforters for the neighborhood nursing home. 1 pt: …pink pussyhats for a ditch-the-men getaway to a wicked witch parade.
6 pts: …expressions of warmth and harmony. ¼ pt: …placards and signs for the wicked witch parade.

Round 4: Cancelled Menu

• Grande Mocha Cafè Americano Caramel Miccato with cinnamon and extra whipped cream
• Redskin’d potatoes
• Sunday-less sandwiches
• …with Rockenschpeel!

10 pts: “One more time, Wilma!” ♪ Make your hobby hubby. Keep your hubby happy. When he’s a little chubby, he’s a happy pappy. With Rockenschpeel! ♬
9 pts: Eat Mor Chikin! ™
2 pts for a culturally appropriated melted candybar in a cup (or leaving your favorite depot with anything less than good ol’ fashioned regular coffee).
1 pt: Woke Washington’s new team mascot. 8 pts for squeezing Redskins into casual conversation just for the dirty looks. 7 pts for oven roasted with butter, lemon juice, and garlic.

Round 5: Jeopardy?

• Who Ya Gonna Call?
• What’s Up, Doc?
• Where’s the Beef?
• When the going gets tough…

10 pts: “Who do you think they’ll arrest? The girl in the tub or the guy with his pants down.” (with Ryan O’Neal and Barbara Streisand) 9 pts for Bugs and friends.
7 pts: …the tough go shopping (and leave the man-made kitchen mess behind).
6 pts: Ghostbusters the original.  No pts for Ballbusters: No Men Allowed 2016
1 pt: Fake steak and phony burgers? (Well, you are what you eat.)

Round 6: A Holiday to December

• Solstice
• Festivus
• Cannabis
• Joy to the World ♬

10 pts: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧. 8 pts for Three Dog Night
5 pts: The airing of grievances (not Matt Dillon’s sidekick).
2 pts for celebrating the birth of the sun rather than the birth of the Son. 6 pts for the discontinued Pontiac.
1 pt for being a pothead.

Round 7:  Cats n’ Hats

•
• Pro-choice
• Pronouns
• Josie and the Pussycats

10 pts:  ♪ …long tails and ears for hats ♬  Bonus pts for an original LP with
(soon to be Angel) Cheryl Ladd on the skins. No pts for those babeless reboots.
9 pts for choosing life. (No pts for choosing self.) 8 pts for education or vaccination choice. And that mindless twit all alone in her bubble mobile choosing to wear her obedience mask… priceless.
3 pts: Hands off my pussy!
½ pt: Personally we prefer Major Nelson’s “Master”.

Round 8: Suff’ring Suffrage

• Almost the XXVIIth
• Should be the XXVIIIth
• Prohibition Repealed
• Vote for Gracie

10 pts: Down With Common Sense! If the country’s going Gracie, so can you!
9 pts: 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐇𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐍𝐨 𝐑𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐎𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝.
4 pts: …plus the 19th Amendment equals DUI (democracy under the influence).
2 pts: The ill-fated ERA. (7 pts for thinkin’ it had something to do with baseball.)

Round 9: Back to Old School

• Vanity 6
• Waylon & Willie
• Mary Chapin Carpenter
• Nancy Sinatra

10 pts: Good Hearted Woman 1976 spinning at 33⅓ rpms
9 pts: Passionate Kisses 1992 on a dashboard melted compact disc
4 pts: These Boots are Made for Walkin’ 1966 eaten by an in-dash 8-track
0 pts: Nasty Girl 1982 squealing on a played-out cassette tape

Round 10: Crosswalk

• Burger King Religion
• LED NIV
• Genuine Cowhide Authorized Edition
• The Blues Brothers

10 pts for totin’ your own. No pts for tearing out Ephesians 5.
8 pts: “We’re on a mission from God.” (The original not the dopey sequel. Hollywood remakes are a lot like paraphrases: Something always gets lost in translation.)
3 pts: When the power goes out, your 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐆𝐨𝐝 is Gone with the Wind.
1 pt: What kinda God do you want? He made me this way, Our Mother which art in Heaven, or Somewhere out there. Have it your way… ♬

Bonus Round: Who’s that Girl?

• Hot n’Topless
• Patty Loveless
• Princess Leia
• Arsenic and Old Lace 1944

10 pts: ♪ But if you’re lookin’ for a real romance, I’m that kind of girl… ♬
8 pts: ‘66 topdown 345 hp 428 T-bird. (Lose pts for letting those dopey outlaw chicks drive her off a cliff.) 9 pts: No shirt. No shoes. No problem.
6 pts: “This is some rescue! You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.” 7 pts: Slave girl Leia (1 pt: Rainbow Disney’s General Patton Leia)
2 pts: “In Elderberry wine… one teaspoon of arsenic, half a teaspoon of strychnine, and just a pinch of cyanide. One gentlemen found time to say, How delicious!”

I Don’t Want to Work… ♬
(It was an…) ♪ Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini  that she wore for the first time today ♬

Dear Diary
Day 1: Hello, I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came but just the same, I must be going. ♬

R is for Redskins

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Not for rose. But what’s in a name?

A shadow vaults a fortress wall then steals silently through a forbidden grove to the castle of his enemy. On a moonlit balcony unaware, a fair maiden appears. She speaks:

“O Melvin, Melvin, wherefore art thou Melvin?”  Melvin & Juliet – Scene 2 Act 2

Of course, Shakespearean purists will be quick to critique: Juliet wasn’t asking where Melvin was but why he was.

Melvin.

…which he wasn’t.

To thine own self be true but his one true love hated his name though not him, or so she claimed. So, was it any wonder that her romantic misplay “Refuse thy name!” ended in tragedy.

What’s in a name? Would an overall’d farm lad straw hat and cap gun, sneak into a Saturday matinee double-play featuring Marion Morrison in Soggy Oatmeal followed by Not Jane Russell and the Rather Harmless Man?

Not likely.

If a rose were an elephant, would you really want a dozen? What if they were Redskins? or what if Moses supposes his toes were roses… ♬

Opinions ain’t Hollywwood musicals. In a free society, All the world’s a stage and offending someone is inevitable, maybe necessary. The First Amendment not only protects free speech, but guarantees unpopular speech.

Amendment XXVIII: What Right doth Thou have to be Offended?

Constitutional arsonists defiantly deny the downright declarations inked in the Bill of Rights, insisting on silly stuff like… you can’t yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater. But what if there is a fire in the theater? or worse, what if there are…

“Redskins!”

Or what if you just need some devious diversion to rescue other hapless husbands from an evening worse than shakesperean death (…which might be preferable once they’re all discovered down at Mel’s Grill & Ale with a wench in one hand and a pint in the other.)

But with a charred wonderbra in one hand and a nutcracker in the other, society’s Juliets set out to cancel everything that offends them – everything that is not them:

Columbus day
Chik-Fil-A
The Dukes of Hazzard

And without the consent of the fans of Major League Baseball, the Cleveland (no longer the…) Injuns now suit up as dreaded Guardians – door-t’door insurance salesmen striking fear in the hearts of harried housewives everywhere.

What a bunch of pussies we’ve become.

But blinded by their own contempt, the unhinged pink pussyhat brigade failed to also censor the home of the franchise formerly known as the Redskins (a name which is actually older than the team itself) which honors the original white male himself – the one and only redskin-fighting Father of our Nation.

Guess now they’ll hafta move.

The Cowboys will be next – soon to be rebranded as The Beta Male Livestock Managers, followed by the Tampa Bay Semi-Aquatic Wealth Redistributors.

Approved rules package for the new NFL season:

• No tackling without permission
• Quarterbacks will be uniformed in pastel pleated mini-skirts
• Half of winning score differentials credited to each losing un-winning team

…resulting in – you guessed it (and fractions).

The woke League ought to grow a pair and recoin all their teams according to the fantasy protocols found in backroom bars and poolhalls. Something like…

Flaming Rat Breath Snot Nosed Puss Picking Belly-Button Lint Lickers.

…or the new Jets. (Oh, c’mon – this is football: Wear a helmet!)

If changing your name doesn’t change your identity but you change your identity anyway, maybe you should just go ahead and change your name: The National Hm-hmm League – yet another Shakesperean tragedy.

Yeah… the truth hurts.
The truth nobody wants to hear is hate.

But names don’t hate. Hate is not a logo, a monument, or a flag painted on an orange car. Hate is heart issue – yours. You are what you see in others. And when everything you see is hate, hate is everything you see.

So there can be no Redskins, no Dilbert, no Blazing Saddles – not until the closed fist is replaced by an open heart…

The Golden Rule
a few Beatitudes
and Love thy Neighbor

The ground is level at the foot of the cross.

Juliet may have been right about one thing: The Redskins by any other name will still be smelly.

X is for Christmas
If your neighbors accused you of being a Jesus freak, would there be enough evidence in your seasonal display to convict?

Dear Diary
Day 1: Hello, I must be going! I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going… ♬