Have It Your Way!

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Order Taker (possibly female): Welcome! How may I serve you today?

Occasional Customer: Wow! A lot has changed since… well, to be honest, I haven’t been here since I was a kid.

Order Taker: And back then Kids Were King.

Customer: I’m glad to see your service has been restyled to keep up the changing times.

Order Taker: You’ll notice many changes. To begin with… the original menu was scrapped in favor of a more inclusive version.

Customer: Y’know, just being here… startin’ to feel filled with the Spirit of the King.

Order Taker: And how you feel is… like, way more important than nutrition.

Customer: Hey! What happened to those four guys, who used to hang around here? You know the ones… they’re gone!

Order Taker: Well, not gone gone. Just their toxic masculinity: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are now Margaret, Meg, Linda, and Joan.

Customer: Just as well. They were way too into all that red meat stuff.

 

Order Taker: We understand how you feel. That’s why we now offer 100% beef-less “Miracle” burgers, Surf n’ Turf, and char-broiled turkey with tofu.

Customer: Let me try the 𝐋𝐨𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐅𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐬 platter.

Order Taker: Sure! What kind of God would you like? We have…

He Made Me this Way
Our Mother Who Art in Heaven, and of course…
Somewhere Out There

Customer: Anything without all that fire and brimstone.

Order Taker: And with that, you have your choice of Messiahs: John Smith, Muhammad, Dak Prescott… .

Customer: Hold the Jesus.

Order Taker (tapping on console): No Jesus. I’ll substitute… Obama.

Customer: Commandments on the side?

Order Taker: Of course. How many would you like?

Customer: Can you run through them?

Order Taker: My pleasure! You’ve got your choice of:

Thou Shalt have No other gods but Thee
Remember the Sabbath to go Shopping
Honour Thy Father, thy Father’s Boyfriend…

Customer (interrupting): Uhhm, on second thought, 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐭 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐬… give me gas.

Customer’s entitled kids (in unison): We want Happy Holiday Meals! We want Happy Holiday Meals!

Customer: Okay, settle down, kids.

Order Taker: Aren’t they cute.

Customer: …want one?

Order Taker: We have three all-new Happy Holiday Meals to choose from.

Customer: One of each, please.

Order Taker: Okay. The Non-traditional Combo Kit comes with Santa, the Grinch, and Frosty the Snow Person.

Youngest entitled kid: I want the Baby in the manger!

Order Taker: Oh, I’m sorry. We’re all out.

[Kid pouting]

Order taker (whispering to customer): The Infant served in a feeding trough was deemed unsanitary by the Board of Health. (Loudly to kid) But I can throw in some barking dogs.

Kid: Yea!

Order Taker: With the Prime Time TV Special, you have your choice of Rudolph, the Winter Warlock, Charlie in the Box, and of course, Kevin.

Customer: Kevin?

Order Taker: Home Alone.

Customer: Hold the Claymation. (whispers) I still get nightmares.

Order Taker: Finally, in Rainbow Delight, we have Mary, Mary’s migrant wife, and their adopted non-binary child, Xavier.

Customer: What do you have for that Holiday which coincides with Spring Break?

Order Taker: We’ve got all the classics like Easter Parade, The Old Rugged Cross… .

Customer: Uhh, no. I’ll take the bunny, please.

Order Taker: Cadbury or Playboy?

Customer: Whichever’s covered in chocolate.

Order Taker (pointing): Over at the 𝐌𝐲 𝐂𝐮𝐩 𝐑𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐡 𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫 beverage dispenser, we have endless refills of sugary, bubbly, and highly caffeinated watery substances.

Customer: All of which, I hope, are as unhealthy as they are unsatisfying.

Entitled kids: Supersize!

Customer looking around: Where did all the pews go?

Order Taker: They’ve been removed in favor of more secluded… err, private corral seating. This way you won’t be bothered by other worshipers. And notice…

Customer: I see!

Order Taker: …all the communion settings now hold pepper, salt substitute, and artificial sweeteners.

Customer: And every booth has its own jukebox!

Order Taker: …for a more personalized worship experience. Hymns include:

How Great I Art!
Oh Lord, It’s Hard to be Humble, and my personal favorite…
Drop Kick Me, Jesus (through the Goal Post of Life)

Customer singing with Order Taker: “…I’ve got the will, Lord, if you’ve got the toe.”

(Littlest kid whispers to Customer, who then asks…) Can you point me to your bathrooms?

Order Taker: Well, we only have the one.

Customer: One?

Order Taker: It is quite large and has many seats.

Customer: What about, y’know… privacy?

Order Taker: We are all one in the spirit.

Customer to littlest Kid: Just think of them as your brothers.

Order Taker: Will there be anything else?

Customer: Can I get all that t’go? I’m not really comfortable around all this religious stuff.

Order taker (signaling the kitchen choir): Of course, you can!

Deep Fat Fryer, Window Clerk, and Burger Flipper singing with Order Taker…

♪ Hold the Father, hold the Spirit!
And of course, you don’t need Jesus!
All you ask is that you get religion your way!
Have it your way, have it your way… ! ♬

Customer: ♪ Biddiley a nu ba ba be bee! ♬

The Cry of the Rocks
Truth can be ignored but cannot be made untrue. Truth just is, even if held by just one. One plus God.

Let’s Eat Grandma
Hold up on that blue haired buffet, we need a quick powwow with the shoot eating panda.

Rules of Conduct

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By George Washington

Though often attributed to George Washington, was most likely a handwriting exercise copied out by George Washington as a lad.

Of the 110 Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation, these are a choice few:

    • Every action in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those present.
    • Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another.
    • Let your discourse with men of business be short and comprehensive.
    • Undertake not to teach your equal in the art himself professes.
    • When a man does all he can, though it succeeds not well, blame not him that did it.
    • Take all admonitions thankfully.
    • Wherein you reprove another be unblamable yourself.
    • Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement of any.
    • Associate yourself with men of good quality, if you esteem your own reputation, for it is better to be alone than in bad company.
    • Give not advice without being asked and when desired do it briefly.
    • Be not curious to know the affairs of others, neither approach to those that speak in private.
    • Undertake not what you cannot perform, but be careful to keep your promise.
    • In disputes, be not so desirous to overcome as not to give liberty to each one to deliver his opinion.
    • Speak not evil of the absent, for it is unjust.
    • When you speak of God or His attributes, let it be seriously in reverence. Honor and obey your natural parents.
    • Let your recreations be manful, not sinful.
    • Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.

Monumental Robert E. Lee
Lee opposed the dissolution of the Union, as much as he opposed slavery, but his loyalty was to his home, the state of Virginia.

On the Fourth of July
But corruptible absolute power ended with “When in the course of human events… .”

President George

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Washington-Praying-at-Valley-ForgeKing George referred to President George as “the greatest character of his age.”

Washington roamed His Majesty’s colonies at will with an armed force of loyalists.  At war’s end and in the absence of any leadership in the known new world, he could have easily declared himself king.  No one would have opposed him, a devoted nation loved him, and they knew of nothing else.

From the dawn of time until 1789, the world was ruled by kings, emperors and tyrants; pillagers of wealth and title by might or birthright.  Authority was never relinquished.  Man lived and died a subject.

But the Philadelphia Convention chartered a bold new compact: The Presidency – power vested in an office, not the man in the office, to be used by the man while in office then left to another.  A President was to be elected by and servant to citizens, acknowledging a sovereign authority from on High.

Two landslide elections later, President George voluntarily stepped down and retired to Mount Vernon.  From then on, the self-imposed two term tradition was faithfully observed by all who followed, showing due honor.  A custom broken by FDR in 1940.

Washington’s birthday, already a national holiday, was unceremoniously rescheduled by an act of Congress to February’s third Monday (a date which never actually falls on the 22nd) then insultingly consolidated into Presidents’ Day to honor everyone else.  Something an unselfish man would not have minded.

Most historians consider the fabled hacking of the cherry tree to be just that – folklore. 

A made-up story to lend legend to The Father of his Nation.

On the 4th of July
But corruptible absolute power ended with “When in the course of human events… .”

Monumental Robert E. Lee
Perhaps in place of Robert E. Lee they will erect a new statue… a snowflake – a testament to what this nation has become.

R is for Redskins

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Not for rose. But what’s in a name?

A shadow vaults a fortress wall then steals silently through a forbidden grove to the castle of his enemy. On a moonlit balcony unaware, a fair maiden appears. She speaks:

“O Melvin, Melvin, wherefore art thou Melvin?”  Melvin & Juliet – Scene 2 Act 2

Of course, Shakespearean purists will be quick to critique: Juliet wasn’t asking where Melvin was but why he was.

Melvin.

…which he wasn’t.

To thine own self be true but his one true love hated his name though not him, or so she claimed. So, was it any wonder that her romantic misplay “Refuse thy name!” ended in tragedy.

What’s in a name? Would an overall’d farm lad straw hat and cap gun, sneak into a Saturday matinee double-play featuring Marion Morrison in Soggy Oatmeal followed by Not Jane Russell and the Rather Harmless Man?

Not likely.

If a rose were an elephant, would you really want a dozen? What if they were Redskins? or what if Moses supposes his toes were roses… ♬

Opinions ain’t Hollywwood musicals. In a free society, All the world’s a stage and offending someone is inevitable, maybe necessary. The First Amendment not only protects free speech, but guarantees unpopular speech.

Amendment XXVIII: What Right doth Thou have to be Offended?

Constitutional arsonists defiantly deny the downright declarations inked in the Bill of Rights, insisting on silly stuff like… you can’t yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater. But what if there is a fire in the theater? or worse, what if there are…

“Redskins!”

Or what if you just need some devious diversion to rescue other hapless husbands from an evening worse than shakesperean death (…which might be preferable once they’re all discovered down at Mel’s Grill & Ale with a wench in one hand and a pint in the other.)

But with a charred wonderbra in one hand and a nutcracker in the other, society’s Juliets set out to cancel everything that offends them – everything that is not them:

Columbus day
Chik-Fil-A
The Dukes of Hazzard

And without the consent of the fans of Major League Baseball, the Cleveland (no longer the…) Injuns now suit up as dreaded Guardians – door-t’door insurance salesmen striking fear in the hearts of harried housewives everywhere.

What a bunch of pussies we’ve become.

But blinded by their own contempt, the unhinged pink pussyhat brigade failed to also censor the home of the franchise formerly known as the Redskins (a name which is actually older than the team itself) which honors the original white male himself – the one and only redskin-fighting Father of our Nation.

Guess now they’ll hafta move.

The Cowboys will be next – soon to be rebranded as The Beta Male Livestock Managers, followed by the Tampa Bay Semi-Aquatic Wealth Redistributors.

Approved rules package for the new NFL season:

• No tackling without permission
• Quarterbacks will be uniformed in pastel pleated mini-skirts
• Half of winning score differentials credited to each losing un-winning team

…resulting in – you guessed it (and fractions).

The woke League ought to grow a pair and recoin all their teams according to the fantasy protocols found in backroom bars and poolhalls. Something like…

Flaming Rat Breath Snot Nosed Puss Picking Belly-Button Lint Lickers.

…or the new Jets. (Oh, c’mon – this is football: Wear a helmet!)

If changing your name doesn’t change your identity but you change your identity anyway, maybe you should just go ahead and change your name: The National Hm-hmm League – yet another Shakesperean tragedy.

Yeah… the truth hurts.
The truth nobody wants to hear is hate.

But names don’t hate. Hate is not a logo, a monument, or a flag painted on an orange car. Hate is heart issue – yours. You are what you see in others. And when everything you see is hate, hate is everything you see.

So there can be no Redskins, no Dilbert, no Blazing Saddles – not until the closed fist is replaced by an open heart…

The Golden Rule
a few Beatitudes
and Love thy Neighbor

The ground is level at the foot of the cross.

Juliet may have been right about one thing: The Redskins by any other name will still be smelly.

X is for Christmas
If your neighbors accused you of being a Jesus freak, would there be enough evidence in your seasonal display to convict?

Dear Diary
Day 1: Hello, I must be going! I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going… ♬