Maid in America

It’s tough on new moms to balance work schedules and whatever’s left of their social calendar with the demands of household duties especially the petulant whims of himself.

No, not the little one.

There’s never enough time to care for yourself. A simple trip to Planet Fitness takes on the precision planning of a moon landing.

Tired of watching your hourglass figure clump into cat litter?

Well… so are we, Crisco kid (uhmm, y’know… fat in the can). Ditch that masochistic membership and all them foreign-born As Seen On TV torture devices. Your fret-free home workout awaits: 𝐌𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐀𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐚!

Laundry Basket Lift
Start with a few light loads. Bend the knees and lift with your legs. Then hopscotch those pilotless pull-toys and napping critters to the back steps and down to the laundry room. Don’t mix colors.

Toddler Chase
Cardiovascular exercise combined with sheer panic: Workout and motivation all in one.

Driveway Dash
Obstacle run: With a trash bag slung over one shoulder and an errantly thrown mud puddle’d newspaper under the other, retrieve the free-wheeling trike from the street while dodging snot-sized raindrops.

Mop n’Glo
Long strokes with deep knee bends, twist at the hips and back again. Don’t forget to dust first.

Porcelain Polish
Vigorous forearm and shoulder motion. Imagine Karate Kid only with Clorox cleaner. Improves bust firmness and shape. Well… not really – we just like thinking it does.

Rainy Day Options
Icebox Whiff an’ Toss
Find the Missing Sock, and of course…
Who Made that Smell?

Then fire up the grill! The most essential ingredient to any rigorous exercise regimen is a healthy and satisfying meal:

    • One 12 oz. marbled Grade A prime ribeye on the BBQ. Singed and a little pink within. Flavored to taste. Don’t trim the fat – that’s the best part.
    • Potato planks. Fresh – none of that frozen garbage. Buttered and well-seasoned, of course
    • Veggies of choice (with “choice” meaning: Do you want ‘em or not?)
    • Large sweetened tea in a Mason jar with a lemon wedge over ice

Serves one: You’ll find your man in the den riding his Lay-Z-Boy steed to the 4k 1080p Ultra HD plasma TV – boots off feet up and bathed in the symphonic surround sound of Gᴜɴsᴍᴏᴋᴇ (in black & white).

He feigns a smile…

Happy Mother’s Day.


Square Pegs
If want your square to be a square, then you need to let him wear his own pants.

Love, Love will keep us Together
Maybe fewer marriages would end if more marriages began with fewer thoughts of the marriage ending.