Name: Kris Kringle (aka: Santa)
Age: A little older than his teeth
Known associates: Jingle and Jangle (elves), Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen
Last seen: On 34th Street
At one time, he was everywhere – ringing bells at red kettles, bouncing whiny kids on his knee, and hanging with Frosty, Rudolph, and leftover Halloween inflatables (because nothing says “Christmas” like a giant blow-up pirate ship).
Now, the jolly Elf’s mug can only be found on milk cartons. If they still make milk cartons. Or milk.
Won’t be long before holiday motorists will slap their rear-ends with: You Can’t Spell Festivus Without St. Nicholas.
Without a reason for the season, winter solstice is nothing but a string of meaningless light festivals, pointless celebrations, and max’d-out shopping; which now kicks-off on Unthanksgiving Day (followed by Black an’ Blue Friday), and runs pell-mell through Full Contact Mid-Winter Eve.
And seems like a handful of lights just ain’t enough anymore. Lawn decorations have evolved into neighborhood extravaganzas with dazzling light shows. And all those old-time Santa Claus is Coming carols have been drowned in holiday music – endless Mariah Carey noise: All I Want For Holly Jolly Rockin’ Round the 12 Days of Happy Holiday Is You.
And somewhere in the background… hidden behind the Grinch, Charlie In The Box, and an odd assortment of two-dimensional misfit characters… a manger. Hmmmm… what Child is this?
“For unto you is born this day… a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.”
Nah, it’ll never catch on.
He Who Must Not Be Named
Advent heralds the birth of He Who Must Not Be Named.
Not the birth of X.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of someone’s god in vain, unless thou be like completely @#$%&!-ed off.