Occasional Customer: Wow! A lot has changed since… well, to be honest, I haven’t been here since I was a kid.
And back then Kids Were King.
I’m glad to see your service has been restyled to keep up the changing times.
You’ll notice many changes. To begin with… the language of the original menu was scrapped in favor of a version that is more inclusive.
Y’know, just being here… startin’ to feel filled with the Spirit of the King.
And how you feel is… like, way more important than nutrition.
Hey! What happened to those four guys, who used to hang around here? You know the ones… they’re gone!
Well, not gone gone. Just their toxic masculinity: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are now Margaret, Meg, Linda, and Joan.
Just as well. They were way too into all that red meat stuff.
We understand how you feel. That’s why we now offer 100% beef-less “Miracle” burgers, Surf n’ Turf, and char-broiled turkey with tofu.
Let me try the Loaves and Fishes platter.
Sure! What kind of God would you like? We have…
God is Love
Our Mother Who Art in Heaven, and of course…
Somewhere Out There
Anything without all that fire and brimstone.
…and with that, you have your choice of Messiahs: John Smith, Muhammad, Dak Prescott… .
Hold the Jesus.
Order Taker tapping on console: No Jesus. I’ll substitute… Obama.
Commandments on the side?
Of course. How many would you like?
Can you run through them?
My pleasure! You’ve got your choice of:
Thou Shalt have No other gods but Thee
Remember the Sabbath to go Shopping
Honour thy Father, thy Father’s boyfriend…
Customer interrupting: Uhhm, on second thought, Thou Shalt Nots… give me gas.
Customer’s entitled kids (in unison)… We want Happy Holiday Meals! We want Happy Holiday Meals!
Okay, settle down, kids.
Aren’t they cute.
We have three all-new Happy Holiday Meals to choose from.
One of each, please.
Okay. The Non-traditional Combo Kit comes with Santa, the Grinch, and Frosty the Snow Person.
Youngest entitled kid: I want a Baby in a manger!
Oh, I’m sorry. We’re all out.
Order taker whispering to customer… The Infant served in a feeding trough was deemed unsanitary by the Board of Health. (Loudly to kid) But I can throw in some barking dogs.
With the Prime Time TV Special, you have your choice of Rudolph, the Winter Warlock, Charlie in the Box, and of course, Kevin.
Hold the Claymation. (whispers) I still get nightmares.
Finally, in the Rainbow Delight, we have Mary, Mary’s migrant wife, and their adopted non-binary child, Xavier.
What do you have for that Holiday which coincides with Spring Break?
We’ve got all the classics like Easter Parade, The Old Rugged Cross… .
Uhh, no. I’ll take the bunny, please.
Cadbury or Playboy?
Whatever’s covered in chocolate.
Order Taker pointing: Over at the My Cup Runneth Over beverage dispenser, we have endless refills of sugary, bubbly, and highly caffeinated watery substances.
All of which, I hope, are as unhealthy as they are unsatisfying.
Entitled kids: Supersize!
Customer looking around: Where did all the pews go?
They’ve been removed in favor of more secluded… err, private corral seating. This way you won’t be bothered by other worshipers. And notice…
…all the communion settings now hold pepper, salt substitute, and artificial sweeteners.
And every booth has its own jukebox!
…for a more personalized worship experience. Hymns include:
How Great I Art!
Oh, Lord, It’s Hard to be Humble, and my personal favorite…
Drop-kick me, Jesus (Through the Goal Post of Life)
Customer singing with Order Taker: “…I’ve got the will, Lord, if you’ve got the toe.”
Littlest kid whispers to Customer, who then asks… Can you point me to your bathrooms?
Well, we only have the one.
It is quite large and has many seats.
What about, y’know… privacy?
We are all one in the spirit.
Customer to littlest Kid: Just think of everyone as your brothers.
Will there be anything else?
Can I get all that t’go? I’m not really comfortable around all this religious stuff.
Order taker signals the kitchen choir: Of course, you can!
Deep Fat Fryer, Window Clerk, and Burger Flipper singing with Order Taker…
♪ Hold the Father, hold the Spirit!
And of course, you don’t need Jesus!
All you ask is that you get religion your way!
Have it your way, have it your way… ! ♬
Customer: ♪ Biddiley a nu ba ba be bee! ♬
The Cry of the Rocks
Truth can be ignored but cannot be made untrue. Truth just is, even if held by just one. One plus God.
In the Beginning was Football
On the seventh day, creation was complete. God rested. And men played football. And it was good.