George Strait: Marshal Will Kane
Tina Fey: Amy Fowler Kane
Perry Como: Mayor Jonas Henderson
Concrete Cowboy: Helen Ramírez
Pernell Roberts: Frank Miller
Pope John Paul II: Dr. Mahin – Minister
Reggie Jackson: Station Master
Frank Capra: Director
Frank Capra (narrating): Sunday morning wakens the sleepy old west town of Hadleyville. As church bells beckon an unsuspecting townsfolk to the meeting house, through the emptying streets an outlaw gang quietly ride… on the their way to the train depot.
Meanwhile, back in town, Marshal Will Kane vows “I do” to sweetheart Amy Fowler and hangs up his badge and guitar. Just then, the Station Master bursts through the door:
Reggie Jackson (visibly upset): It’s terrible! Just terrible!
Perry Como: How bad can it be? You’re not in pinstripes anymore.
Reggie: This came for you, Marshal.
George (reading telegram): They’ve pardoned Frank Miller.
Frank Capra (narrating): A tense hush falls on the assembled gathering.
Tina Fey (noticeably apprehensive): Will, what’s the matter?
George: Years ago I sent a man to prison – he was supposed to hang. But those liberals up north commuted his sentence to life, then gave him own TV show. And now they set him free.
Tina: What does this have to do with you?
George: Don’t you understand? I’m the one who sent him up.
Perry: Will, you need to get out of here.
George: Don’t think I should go. Your new Marshal isn’t due in for another day.
Perry (beaming confidently): I think I speak for everyone when I say: This town will be safe until tomorrow.
Tina: Please, Will. Let’s just go.
George: We’d be alone out on that prairie. And me without a gun.
Tina: If we go right now, I’ll even let you play that silly guitar.
George: It’s no good, Amy. He’ll hunt us down. We’d never be able to keep that store. Seems to me like I need to stay.
Frank (narrating): Will Kane pauses just a moment. Then reaches for his guitar and star hanging on the wall.
George: Why don’t you wait for me here.
Tina: No, I won’t do it. You’re asking me to wait to see if I’ll be a wife, a widow, or a stand-up has-been.
George: I’ll swear in some special deputies. Maybe there won’t be any trouble.
Tina: No, you know there’ll be trouble.
George: Then it’s better it happens here.
Tina (pleading): We were just married… .
George: I know how you feel.
Tina: Do you?
George: I know you don’t like country music. I know it’s against your beliefs.
Reggie (in an ominous tone): Frank Miller’s old gang rode into town this morning… they’re waiting down at the train depot. They asked about the noon train. And now they’re mad.
Reggie: We don’t have a noon train.
Frank (narrating): Newly married Mrs. Kane waits in the hotel lobby for the
train. But not one to leave well-enough alone, she pays a visit to Mrs. Helen Ramierez. Amy knocks on the door…
Concrete Cowboy: Who is it?
Tina: Miss Ramirez?
Tina: Hmmm… not sure I have the right room.
Cowboy (sharply): What do you want?
Tina: Please, Helen. It wasn’t easy to come up here.
Tina: Let my husband go. He still has a chance.
Cowboy: He’s not staying because of me.
Tina: Then why… why won’t he leave?
Cowboy: If you don’t know, I can’t explain it to you.
Tina: Are you packing?
Cowboy (resolute): I’m leaving, too. I don’t want to stay here. When Will dies, this town dies, too.
Tina (reflective): Can I wait here with you?
Cowboy: If you’d like.
Tina: What time is the noon train?
Cowboy: Ten minutes after Three.
Tina: Are you sure we’re in the right movie?
Cowboy: What is wrong with you? How can you abandon your husband like this? If he was my man, I would fight for him. No matter what!
Tina (defiant): Why don’t you?
Cowboy: He is not my man. He is yours.
Tina: I just don’t think I can do this.
Cowboy: Does the sound of country music frighten you?
Tina: No. But, uhm… seeing you in a dress – that kinda does.
Cowboy: You shoulda seen me trying to get into it.
Tina [smiling]: Tus rodillas son lindas.
Frank (narrating): Scene – rustic country church. The congregation struggles through a half-hearted hymn-sing, when the tall entry doors swing in, and a Gary Cooper shadow falls long into the sanctuary. The chorus falls off into an apprehensive silence:
Pope John Paul II: Yes? What do you want, Marshal?
George: I don’t mean to interrupt your service, Parson.
John Paul: You already have.
George: I’m sorry.
John Paul: You don’t attend services very often, Marshal. And when you got married today, you didn’t think it important enough to get married here.
George (in hesitant confession): It’s true, I haven’t been a church-going man. And maybe that’s a bad thing. And the reason we didn’t get married here today is because… (reluctantly) my wife is a comedienne.
John Paul: …or so she thinks.
Tina [off camera]: Hey!
George: I’m here because there are people here. And I thought I might sing a song. ♪ All my ex’s live in Texas… ♬
Perry: Let’s get the women and children outa here!
Frank (narrating): There’s a mad chaotic stampede into the street, leaving behind a faction of disconcerted men.
George: In case you haven’t heard… Frank Miller is coming in on the noon train.
Frank (narrating): An uneasy murmuring fills the silence.
George: Now, you all know what’s going to happen here today. I need every special deputy I can get.
John Paul: Well… what are we all waiting for? We all know what this man means to our town.
Perry: There was a time when a decent woman couldn’t walk the down the street.
John Paul: …not that we had many of those.
Perry: But before we go rushing into something that’s not of our affair, let’s think about this. Politicians up north are thinking about turning this territory into a state. Do you think those yuppies and snowflakes will want to settle down here if they if they hear our streets are filled with gunfire?
John Paul: …and country music.
Perry: And isn’t it true that Will Kane is no longer Marshal?
George (indignant): What are you suggesting, Mayor?
Perry: Just this: If you’re not here when Frank Miller hits town, there won’t be any gunfight.
George: Soooo… no cops, no crime – is that your tune?
Perry: Listen, Marshal. We all know what this is about. Well, at least some of us do.
George: I sent Frank Miller away.
Perry: That’s right. Because he murdered one of your songs.
George: What you don’t seem to understand is… your political pals up north not only set Frank Miller free but they also gave him the right to vote. He coming back here, Mr. Mayor… to vote you out.
Perry (pondering deeply for just a moment): Aw’right, everybody! You heard the marshal. We need every man! Ah’m swearing in the whole town as special deputies. Everyone… hurry home and report back here your instruments!
Frank (narrating): The church bells chime three times. Ten minutes later, a long lonesome train whistle wails across the open prairie. Before the train can roll to a stop, Frank Miller jumps off, and with his old gang, heads into town.
Amy tries hard not to look back. But at the sound of gunfire and guitars, she leaps from the train, and races back into town. Only to be caught by Frank Miller. The street empties, as the outlaw calls out…
Pernell Roberts: Marshall! Show yourself!
George (emerging from the shadows): I’m here, Frank.
Pernell: Toss me that six-string.
George: (as the guitar hits the dirt): No one needs to get hurt.
Pernell: Now, drop your gun.
George: You know I can’t do that.
Pernell: Then you leave me no choice.
Tina: Please, Will!
Pernell (picking up the Marshal’s guitar): ♪ Baby, write this down, take a little note to remind you in case you didn’t know, Tell yourself I love you and I don’t want you to go… ♬
Frank (narrating): Holding her ears, Amy desperately attacks her captor. Seizing the moment, Mayor Henderson and the Station Agent pile into the fray and subdue the outlaw Frank Miller.
George (rushing out across the open street): Oh, honey… are you okay?
Tina (with open arms): Yes, dear. I’m…
George (rushing past his bride, scoops up his guitar and caresses it lovingly): I was so worried something might happen to you!
Tina (enraged): Will Kane! You care more about that stupid guitar than me!
George (defensively): Now, Tina! I mean, Amy… that’s just not true.
Tina (rips the badge off her husband’s vest and stomps it into the dirt): Don’t you “Now, Tina” me, you… you… !
George: I was just kidding!
Tina: This is what I think of your singing.
George: No, Tina! Not my guitar!
Tina (waving George’s guitar overhead): Come back here, you Hee-Haw reject!
Frank (narrating): As the locomotive’s bell clangs and puffs of smoke fill the western sky, the chugging and puffing Three-Ten from Hadleyville pulls away from the station. Chased by a pleading George and a threatening Tina wielding George’s guitar.
Perry (picks up the discarded badge from the dust, and proudly pins it on Frank Miller): Guess we don’t hafta advertise for a new Marshal.
Pernell (misty eyed): Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Reggie: Gee, Frank. Never thought of you as the sensitive type.
Pernell: It’s not that. He just stabbed me with the badge.
Casablanca: May 18th
Oh, and I’ll have Sam play All My Ex’s Live in Texas. I believe that’s your favorite tune.
Robin Hood: May 18th
Kneel, Robin. I knight thee… Baron of the Baritones, Earl of the Opry, and the Knight of Nashville.