Gone Fishin’

Catch of the Day
Stream-fed Nature-preserve’d fillet
1 pilfered can of baked beans
Combo can punch ’n’ bottle opener
  (and one well-oiled hobo with opposable thumbs)
2 ozs of lemon juice
Dash of sea salt
Freshly ground black pepper
¼ tsp dried minced onion flakes
  (…or just substitute whatever’s left in that bottle of Jack)

Serves 4

Beneath the NO POACHING sign, sauté the fillet in a sizzling skillet over a campfire of exotic driftwood. Upend that tin of beans, stirring consistently. Then toss the empty into the pristine lake’s fading ripples.

Add seasonings and enjoy.

But just as Barney Fife and his badge bumble into the impromptu picnic, the pirated entrée mysteriously disappears in a curious “tabulating irregularity” courtesy of Mitzy, Mittens, Murphy, and Buttons.

Yeah, honor among thieves ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

But then, piracy like democracy is a mile wide and an inch deep. The neighborhood strays may have an equal say, but the first rule of majority rule is: Winner takes all.

…‘cept the beans.

Still… doesn’t it all smell just a little fishy? Everyone knows the fish are missing, everyone knows why the fish are missing, but no one is allowed to ask what happened to the fish.

Not without getting…

Doxed or

…which is kinda like walkin’ the plank (and washing up on the sand with no rum, no loot, and no Mary Ann).

Freedom is our birthright. But as slaves to civilization, we willingly forfeit our liberty for promise of some elusive equality, and in the end wind up with neither liberty nor equality – our personal fortunes and and sacred design surrendered to the whims of democracy’s pirates. So…

No Columbus Day
No Chik-Fil-A
No Dukes of Hazzard

…and an identity-free NFL team (Red Potatoes being a greater terror to the sensibilities of some than a community of Buccaneers …what a nation of pussies we’ve become).

In a free society, offending someone is inevitable, maybe necessary. The whole purpose of the First Amendment is to protect unpopular speech. Welcome to America! (…wear a helmet.)

Amendment XXVIII: You have No Right to Not be Offended

But there are no rights period in a democracy, just equality. (Well, sorta… some animals are more equal than others.) The only right of the minority is an equal say in what rights are surrendered to the majority.

The Founders (that’s Founders not flounders) idea of equality was an even-steven tax code, by which everyone paid the same.

Not the same rate. The same amount.

𝐀𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐥𝐞 𝐈 𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐈𝐗 of the Authorized Version originally prohibited unequal taxation. But when society’s mutineers discovered they could vote themselves their neighbor’s share, equality was outlawed in favor of the 16th Amendment’s Legal Piracy.

Question: If the unequal are taxed more than an equal share in the name of equality, should the unequal be granted more than an equal vote in how their share is distributed to the less than equal?

Answer: No, because then we would no longer be equal.

No, wait… what?

Well, what is democracy? except never having to say your sorry. But then, we’re not. …not a democracy (and not sorry). We’re a…


Thank God.

But even those who do believe in democracy…

ID free
Walking dead

…democracy, don’t believe in democracy.

The purpose of which, back in the day, was to gauge the will of the people and navigate their way. But instead, the will of the many has been filleted by the fraud of the few.

The problem being… Election Day [henceforth to be known as Election Buffet: One Low Price, Fish all Day] is no longer about democracy, or popularity, or even celebrity.

The first Tuesday following the first Monday (or in the effeminate bi-coastal states: Any day after Memorial Day) the connected get selected by a handful of annoying fans and everyone applauds.

…kinda like American Idol (but with less singing).

We put a man on the moon with little more than a slide rule. So, why do we need anything but an abacus or a retro pocket calculator to count fish?

…another question no one’s allowed to ask.

Yeah, the majority may win but is rarely ever right. They assume they’re right, because they win. And as the saying goes: “When you assume… .”

In ancient realms, any act against the sovereign authority of the king was treason.

But today, in the Land of the Free, the President is not sovereign. Neither is Congress. Nor the Supreme Court (regardless of what they may think).

The people are.

So, would misrepresenting the tally of red and blue fish be like… you know what?

“You-know-what doth never prosper, what’s the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it… you-know-what.”
to ad-lib John Harington

There are reasons for rules and limits on fishing. Fishing was never meant to be recreational. Too many died for the inconvenience.

If you need ID to borrow a book from the library, then most certainly you should need ID to go fishing. And to obtain an ID… a basic civics quiz. Like…

  • How many honest congressmen will fit in a phone booth?
  • Can you name more Capitals than Kardashians?
  • Tally the Presidents that came before the 45th?

If you answered 44… no ID for you.

Overfishing not only destroys the natural habitat of the fish, but also endangers the eco-system on which the fish depend and thrive. Nothing remains but a depleted stream seeping into a polluted pond. Filled with…

Foreign fish
Felon fish
Fake fish and
Dead fish

The poachers must then steal fish from those who have fish to make up for what they never had. Not that they even want the fish – they just don’t want anyone else to have them.

But dead fish stink.

“Be sure your fish will find you out.” Numbers 32:23

At the end of the day, the pirates do not believe in “…the wages of sin”, the brotherhood of man, or the Captain of the Seas.

Only the mutiny of democracy. So…

It really doesn’t matter how many fish there are. All that matters is who counts the fish.
Dr. Seuss meets Joseph Stalin

“…some are red, some are blue
Some are old, some are new
Some are sad, some are glad, and some are very, very bad.”

Level Ground
We bless the Father and give the finger to our fellow man, then wonder why Dial A Prayer goes straight to voicemail.

Herding Cats
Free men do not ask permission. Or forgiveness. And we’re either free or we’re dogs on a leash. Freedom cannot be licensed.