Miss America 2.0

Pantsuit Competition

Miss G.I. Jane wowed the judges in gender bending digital urban camo print fatigues. Split decision: Reaped a pile of points for a semi-decent Jim Nabors impression, but got slammed for the cultural mis-appropriation of a non-womyn’s militaristic uniform.

Score: 5.56 (NATO)

Mary Ann was voted: Most Favorite Gal to be Shipwrecked With. Her outfits were sexy yet feminine, casually daring and still modest. But not slutty, which hurt her score.

Score: 3 (Island bachelors)

That Crooked Woman modeled a jumpsuit of black and white horizontal stripes with a nine digit number across the front. Judges awarded her a sledgehammer.

Score: 28 (Cell block D)

Pajama Boy was visibly shaken by the raves for his flannel onesie and evaporated into his/her cry closet.

Score: 60 (tissues in a box)

Jeep Girl strutted the stage in a braless crop top, canvas bib overalls with a hole in the knee, and unlaced mud boots. The judges were excited.

Score: 3.75 x 3.90 (bore x stroke)

The judges criticized Barbie’s extensive wardrobe for lacking any outfits for “Street Walker Barbie” or “S&M Barbie”.

Wilma giggled.

Score: 5 (2+2= )

More… Miss America 2.0

Talent Night
Miss Hooters was disqualified and promptly escorted from the premises for her rendition of Paula Cole’s Where Have All the Cowboys Gone.

Getting Woke
Mrs. Charming issued a decree for a Royal Ball with a command performance by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

The Sisterhood
Heart stoppers: Lee Majors, Bruce Boxleitner, John Forsythe. Dark horse trifecta: Farrah to Win, Jacklyn to Place, Kate to Show.

And The Winner Is…!
There she is, Miss America 2.0! There she is, your ideal!
Score: 100 (lbs of manure left on-stage)