Miss America 2.0

Talent Night

Miss Hooters was disqualified and promptly escorted from the premises for her rendition of Paula Cole’s Where Have All the Cowboys Gone. With no tape delay and unable to censor the entire tune, the network was fined by the FCC for airing live… “I will do the laundry, if you pay all the bills.”

Score: 0 32D (cup size)

Miss Bedrock prepared a fine meal of Brontosaurus ribs and Pterodactyl pie. But domestication involuntary servitude skills and not in keeping with the priorities of the new Miss ‘merica.

Score: 0 (warmed-over leftovers)

The Townsend gals scored high marks for marksmanship (or rather “markspersonship”), each putting six inside two from the five yard line. But the judges flinched deeming gunplay too NRA-ish.

Score: .357 (Magnum)

Miss Illegal Immigrant scaled the stage curtain and disappeared. The judges applauded.

Score: 16 (4 under, 12 over)

Nurse Ratched erased an entire hard drive with a cloth.

Score: 10.1 (OS version)

Witch Hazel attempted to stew a wascally wabbit and bake Hansel and Gretel. All rather tame stuff, as a mother n’law goes. Scored low due to… y’know, she was unsuccessful.

Score: 2 (…b or not 2b)


Pantsuit Competition
Mary Ann was voted: Most Favorite Gal to be Shipwrecked With. Measurements: (Would be fun to find out).

Getting Woke
Mrs. Charming issued a decree for a Royal Ball with a command performance by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

The Sisterhood
Heart stoppers: Lee Majors, Bruce Boxleitner, John Forsythe. Dark horse trifecta: Farrah to Win, Jacklyn to Place, Kate to Show.

And The Winner Is…!
There she is, Miss America 2.0! There she is, your ideal!
Score: 100 (lbs of manure left on-stage)