Order Taker (possibly female): Welcome! How may I serve you today?
Occasional Customer: Wow! A lot has changed since… well, to be honest, I haven’t been here since I was a kid.
Order Taker: And back then Kids Were King.
Customer: I’m glad to see your service has been restyled to keep up the changing times.
Order Taker: You’ll notice many changes. To begin with… the original menu was scrapped in favor of a more inclusive version.
Customer: Y’know, just being here… startin’ to feel filled with the Spirit of the King.
Order Taker: And how you feel is… like, way more important than nutrition.
Customer: Hey! What happened to those four guys, who used to hang around here? You know the ones… they’re gone!
Order Taker: Well, not gone gone. Just their toxic masculinity: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are now Margaret, Meg, Linda, and Joan.
Customer: Just as well. They were way too into all that red meat stuff.
Order Taker: We understand how you feel. That’s why we now offer 100% beef-less “Miracle” burgers, Surf n’ Turf, and char-broiled turkey with tofu.
Customer: Let me try the 𝐋𝐨𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐅𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐬 platter.
Order Taker: Sure! What kind of God would you like? We have…
He Made Me this Way
Our Mother Who Art in Heaven, and of course…
Somewhere Out There
Customer: Anything without all that fire and brimstone.
Order Taker: And with that, you have your choice of Messiahs: John Smith, Muhammad, Dak Prescott… .
Customer: Hold the Jesus.
Order Taker (tapping on console): No Jesus. I’ll substitute… Obama.
Customer: Commandments on the side?
Order Taker: Of course. How many would you like?
Customer: Can you run through them?
Order Taker: My pleasure! You’ve got your choice of:
Thou Shalt have No other gods but Thee
Remember the Sabbath to go Shopping
Honour Thy Father, thy Father’s Boyfriend…
Customer (interrupting): Uhhm, on second thought, 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐭 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐬… give me gas.
Customer’s entitled kids (in unison): We want Happy Holiday Meals! We want Happy Holiday Meals!
Customer: Okay, settle down, kids.
Order Taker: Aren’t they cute.
Customer: …want one?
Order Taker: We have three all-new Happy Holiday Meals to choose from.
Customer: One of each, please.
Order Taker: Okay. The Non-traditional Combo Kit comes with Santa, the Grinch, and Frosty the Snow Person.
Youngest entitled kid: I want the Baby in the manger!
Order Taker: Oh, I’m sorry. We’re all out.
[Kid pouting]
Order taker (whispering to customer): The Infant served in a feeding trough was deemed unsanitary by the Board of Health. (Loudly to kid) But I can throw in some barking dogs.
Kid: Yea!
Order Taker: With the Prime Time TV Special, you have your choice of Rudolph, the Winter Warlock, Charlie in the Box, and of course, Kevin.
Customer: Kevin?
Order Taker: Home Alone.
Customer: Hold the Claymation. (whispers) I still get nightmares.
Order Taker: Finally, in Rainbow Delight, we have Mary, Mary’s migrant wife, and their adopted non-binary child, Xavier.
Customer: What do you have for that Holiday which coincides with Spring Break?
Order Taker: We’ve got all the classics like Easter Parade, The Old Rugged Cross… .
Customer: Uhh, no. I’ll take the bunny, please.
Order Taker: Cadbury or Playboy?
Customer: Whichever’s covered in chocolate.
Order Taker (pointing): Over at the 𝐌𝐲 𝐂𝐮𝐩 𝐑𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐡 𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫 beverage dispenser, we have endless refills of sugary, bubbly, and highly caffeinated watery substances.
Customer: All of which, I hope, are as unhealthy as they are unsatisfying.
Entitled kids: Supersize!
Customer looking around: Where did all the pews go?
Order Taker: They’ve been removed in favor of more secluded… err, private corral seating. This way you won’t be bothered by other worshipers. And notice…
Customer: I see!
Order Taker: …all the communion settings now hold pepper, salt substitute, and artificial sweeteners.
Customer: And every booth has its own jukebox!
Order Taker: …for a more personalized worship experience. Hymns include:
How Great I Art!
Oh Lord, It’s Hard to be Humble, and my personal favorite…
Drop Kick Me, Jesus (through the Goal Post of Life)
Customer singing with Order Taker: “…I’ve got the will, Lord, if you’ve got the toe.”
(Littlest kid whispers to Customer, who then asks…) Can you point me to your bathrooms?
Order Taker: Well, we only have the one.
Customer: One?
Order Taker: It is quite large and has many seats.
Customer: What about, y’know… privacy?
Order Taker: We are all one in the spirit.
Customer to littlest Kid: Just think of them as your brothers.
Order Taker: Will there be anything else?
Customer: Can I get all that t’go? I’m not really comfortable around all this religious stuff.
Order taker (signaling the kitchen choir): Of course, you can!
Deep Fat Fryer, Window Clerk, and Burger Flipper singing with Order Taker…
♪ Hold the Father, hold the Spirit!
And of course, you don’t need Jesus!
All you ask is that you get religion your way!
Have it your way, have it your way… ! ♬
Customer: ♪ Biddiley a nu ba ba be bee! ♬
The Cry of the Rocks
Truth can be ignored but cannot be made untrue. Truth just is, even if held by just one. One plus God.
Let’s Eat Grandma
Hold up on that blue haired buffet, we need a quick powwow with the shoot eating panda.
Right Turn from the Left Lane 