Cast of Characters:
George Strait: Robin Hood
Tina Fey: Maid Marion
Reggie Jackson: Little John
Pope John Paul II: Friar Tuck
Perry Como: Much the Miller’s Son
Pernell Roberts: Sir Guy of Gisbourne
Concrete Cowboy: Prince John
Frank Capra: King Richard
King Richard embarks on a holy crusade. But while he is away, his conniving brother, Prince John, conspires to seize the throne.
Meanwhile in nearby Sherwood Forest, a woodsman about to carry off a slain deer is set upon by Sir Guy of Gisbourne.
Pernell: What’s your name?
Perry: A better one than yours.
Pernell: Don’t you know it’s death to kill the king’s deer?
Perry: Yes, and death from hunger if I don’t.
Watching the scene unfold from afar, Robin rides up quickly.
Pernell: By what right do you interfere with the king’s justice.
George: By a better right than you to misuse it.
Pernell: This man killed the king’s deer.
George: Are the king’s deer out of season?
Pernell: Ohhh, no… we’re not doing Wabbit Season! Duck Season!
George: Why, here’s your culprit, Sir Guy.
Robin scoops a ball from the tall grass and tosses it to Sir Guy.
Pernell (leering skeptically): Do you honestly expect me to believe that this spherical rawhide wrapped… .
George: Well, baseball is in season.
A confused look overtakes Sir Guy, and he rides off in a huff.
Perry: Thank you, master. There isn’t a man in all of Sherwood that doesn’t praise the name of Robin Hood.
George: Fetch the deer then.
Perry: …and then you’ll take me to him?
Deep in Sherwood Forest, Robin attempts to cross a stream on a fallen log, but encounters Little John, as Much the Miller’s son, Friar Tuck (and the rest of the merry band) look on.
George: Step aside.
Reggie (amused): Only to a better man than myself.
George (defiant): He stands before you.
Reggie: You intend to cross me armed with only a quarterstaff and a six string?
George: Actually, it’s a buck and a quarter quarterstaff, but… .
Before Robin could finish, Little John clubs Robin into the stream.
George (holding his head): Excuse me, Mr. October… but where in the script does it call for a Louisville Slugger?
Reggie: When I swing, I swing for the bleachers.
George: Join us! We could use a good man to bat clean-up.
Reggie: You’re not mad?
George: On the contrary – I like a man who can best me.
Reggie: Well, then… I’m glad I fell in with you.
John Paul: It was he who did the falling in.
George: This is Friar Tuck. He’s one of us.
Reggie: Looks more like three of us.
John Paul: At least, I know better than to swing at a sinking fastball.
Reggie: Actually, I was on my way to join up with the outlaw, Robin Hood.
George: Well, you are in luck, my good man. For I am Robin Hood.
Reggie: Oh, please. Be serious.
George: No, honest and for truly… I am Robin Hood!
Reggie: Sing something, then!
Reggie: I don’t know. What do you think, Tuck?
John Paul: Sounds a bit daffy.
To prove he’s the one and only famed outlaw, Robin enters an archery tournament… and is captured. But then, summarily released due to “Insufficient Evidence”.
Later, he scales the walls of Nottingham castle to visit the Lady Marion.
George: My men told me what you did for me.
Tina: I only impressed upon the sheriff that no self-respecting outlaw would be caught dead prancing about the forest in green tights.
George: Then you do love me.
Tina: I love… Robin Hood.
George: Then come away with me to Sherwood forest.
Tina: Friar Tuck could marry us?
George: I’ll even promise to laugh at your jokes.
Tina (hesitantly): But first–
George: I know. First, I must prove that I am Robin Hood.
Tina (hopeful): Then sing to me. I’ll start you off… ♪ Write this down, take a little note… . ♬
George (dejected): I can’t.
Tina: You can’t carry a tune?
George: Worse – the only notes I can carry are Looney Tunes.
Prince John learns that King Richard has returned to England in disguise. And plots with Sir Guy to do away with him, and assume the throne.
But their evil scheme is overheard by Maid Marion.
Pernell: M’lady is a little hard of hearing tonight.
Tina: When you knock on a lady’s door as if it were a tavern, you deserve to wait. And you deserve warm beer.
Pernell: You may be pretty, but not too clever.
Tina: So, am I pretty clever?
Pernell: …and not too funny.
Tina: Well, now… that hurt.
Pernell: For instance, I’m sure you couldn’t help but overhear our plan. And of course, as Richard’s ward… your first instinct was to warn him.
Tina: Just wait ‘til Robin hears about this.
Pernell: Yeah, I know… Never worry, never fear, Robin Hood will soon be here.
Tina: Oh, you shouldn’t talk mean like that.
Pernell: Don’t worry – we have a necktie party waiting for your boyfriend. But first, we will deal with you.
Tina (indignant): You wouldn’t dare. Only the King can cancel the rest of my shows.
Pernell: And it will be a King, my dear – King John. Take her away!
Guards escort Marion to the dungeon to await her fate.
Meanwhile, somewhere deep in Sherwood forest, Robin and his men happen upon a group of travelers.
Just then, Much the Miller’s Son hurriedly rides up and informs Robin of Prince John’s plot on the King’s life. As Robin is about to scour the countryside, the travelers reveal themselves to be… King Richard and his guards.
Perry: Sire, Prince John believes you are now dead. And he has summoned the Bishop of the Black Cannons to Nottingham castle, where he will proclaim himself King. And, Robin… the Lady Marion has been arrested, and is set to be executed.
Frank: He wouldn’t dare do away with the King’s favorite jester… not without two weeks severance.
George: You underestimate him, Sire. If we’re to save her and your throne, we must act.
Frank: How? Without an army, or a handful of Pittsburgh Steelers, your men would be wasted uselessly.
George (musing to himself): Hmmm… the Bishop of the Black Cannons is to perform at the ceremony. Perhaps, we should pay him a visit tonight and persuade him to find a way.
Frank: The Bishop of the Black Cannons?
George: Uhm… a little bit Country, a little bit Rock n’ Roll.
Frank: Are we talking Donny and Marie?
George: …more Charlie Daniels Band.
Disguised as roadies, King Richard, Robin, and his merry band, infiltrate the coronation ceremony of Prince John. Once inside, they engage Prince John and his traitorous cohorts.
Sir Guy attempts to escape, but Robin chases him up a stone staircase to the castle wall high above.
George: What’s the matter, Sir Guy… ruin your plans?
Pernell: You’ve come to Nottingham once too often.
George: After I’m done here, there won’t be any reason to come back.
George: I’ve lost my song, and the love of my life.
Pernell: The Lady Marion.
George: Uh, no… my six string.
Pernell: …which is at the bottom of a creek in Sherwood – I heard.
George: So, I’m gonna open a bar and grill and drown my misery in gin.
Pernell: …with the king’s deer on the menu, no doubt.
George: Naturally, cowpokes love venison.
Pernell (lowering his sword): How about beef? It’s What’s for Dinner, you know.
George: You mean, like… a steakhouse?
Pernell: Sure …or a chain of them. My brothers and I own a cattle ranch – the Ponderosa.
George: Hmmm… the Ponderosa Steakhouse. I do like the sound of that.
Pernell (shaking his head in dismay): …but no one will darken your door until you lose that silly green hat. Here… flip this Stetson on for size. Yeah, that’s right. Now…
George: ♪ All my ex’s live in Texas… ♬
Pernell (encouragingly): You got your voice back!
George (relieved and elated): Sir Guy, this looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
With the traitors rounded up, and the Bishop of the Black Cannons fiddling The Devil Went Down to Georgia, King Richard once again assumes his rightful place on the throne.
Concrete Cowboy (pleading): But, Richard… I am your brother.
Frank: And how I wish your crimes were only against me and not my people. I hereby banish you from England for the remainder of my lifetime.
Concrete Cowboy: Uhhmm… wouldn’t it make more sense to banish me for the rest of my lifetime?
Frank: I also banish from my kingdom injustice, indigestion, and disco.
A great redneck cheer rises in the palace hall.
Frank: What about you, Robin?
George: A pardon, Sire… for all the men of Sherwood.
Frank: Granted… with all my heart. But, uhmm… is there nothing for yourself?
George (bashfully eyeing the lovely Lady Marion): There is one thing, Sire.
Frank (glancing in Marion’s direction): Oh, uhh… and do you…?
Tina (smiling): With all my heart, Sire.
Frank: Then kneel, Robin. I knight thee… Baron of the Baritones, Earl of the Opry, and the Knight of Nashville. My first command to thee is to take the Lady Marion… .
With a squeal of delight, Marion leaps into the enthusiastic throng below, but when Robin emerges from the crowd, he is empty handed. As Marion scoots past Robin and his merry men, into the waiting arms of…
Errol Flynn: May I obey all your commands with equal pleasure, Sire!
George: Hey! Who let him on the lot? He’s not in this picture. Cowboy, this is your doing! Wait, Tina! Come back! I promise – I’ll laugh at your jokes… Tinaaaaaaa…!
High Noon: May 18th
They asked about the noon train. And now they’re mad. Why?
We don’t have a noon train.
Song Tag: May 18th
Cowboy croonin’ is as natural as.. uhh… well, let’s just say it’ll come to ya. Here… lose that lid and flip this Stetson on for size.